Well, I'm moving back to my hometown after a year in another town for work.
As a result, me and Mr Wonderful are no longer any sort of official "thing". It's been an emotional time, and I made a playlist to commemorate it.
The biggest thing I noticed when putting this list together is most of the songs are singing about women, and most of the time the perspective I was wanting to give was one in which Mr Wonderful was in the role of the woman. Otherwise some of the songs seem kind of arrogant, improperly placed, or weird.
For those who may be interested, here's the playlist with a few lines from each song for context.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Relationships that can't last aren't such a problem in polyamory
Often, you see on dating advice columns or similar people asking for advice about their current relationships. They have a partner who they love a great deal and have a nice relationship with, but for some reason or other there's a point of incompatibility that, whilst small, is insurmountable. I often see this on reddit where a girl is childfree but her boyfriend wants kids, or a guy is fiscally responsible but his boyfriend throws money around on designer shoes, and many other examples.
In these situations, the sage dispensing their valuable advise will invariably say something along the lines of "You need to break up. I know it's going to be hard, I know you don't want to do this, but you can't stay together so it's best to get it over with."
This seems to stem in some way on the monogamous need to find "the one" - any time you're spending with this "dead end" partner is time you could be searching for "the one". In polyamory, you can date partners who "aren't marriage material" whilst still being able to date partners who are.
I can relate to this situation. Mr Wonderful is just such a partner; he's super important to me right now and my world revolves around him and I want to spend every minute I can snuggled into his shoulder, but I know on a deeper level that we're not compatible at this stage in our lives. (Maybe in 5 years that will change; who knows). I know that if I was monogamous, I would be seriously considering ending things with him because it would be the right long-term strategy so I could go find my prince charming.
But I am so, so happy that I'm not monogamous because I'm not ready to say goodbye to Mr Wonderful.
I might never be.
But I'm also not ready to marry him in the foreseeable future. And there's no problem with that.
In these situations, the sage dispensing their valuable advise will invariably say something along the lines of "You need to break up. I know it's going to be hard, I know you don't want to do this, but you can't stay together so it's best to get it over with."
This seems to stem in some way on the monogamous need to find "the one" - any time you're spending with this "dead end" partner is time you could be searching for "the one". In polyamory, you can date partners who "aren't marriage material" whilst still being able to date partners who are.
I can relate to this situation. Mr Wonderful is just such a partner; he's super important to me right now and my world revolves around him and I want to spend every minute I can snuggled into his shoulder, but I know on a deeper level that we're not compatible at this stage in our lives. (Maybe in 5 years that will change; who knows). I know that if I was monogamous, I would be seriously considering ending things with him because it would be the right long-term strategy so I could go find my prince charming.
But I am so, so happy that I'm not monogamous because I'm not ready to say goodbye to Mr Wonderful.
I might never be.
But I'm also not ready to marry him in the foreseeable future. And there's no problem with that.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Platonic Sex
I found this in my archives and saw that I never posted it. Rather than let it linger, I think it should be published for the world to see.
This was written in February/March 2012.
This all remains pretty accurate. I never developed feelings for 3; I certainly give partial credit to the rules we made, though our desire to ensure that no feelings came of it probably had a greater impact.
------
So, it turns out an FWB arrangement can work; at least for a little while.
It's still surprisingly early days. Because of things we won't get into, we've been physically intimate less than half a dozen times, so there's certainly a possibility that in a few months time there'll be another post that will make me eat these words.
I'm impressed by how well my brain is compartmentalising the arrangement. I was actually rather worried that it wouldn't; that the stories would be true and I'd begin to feel those pesky emotions I've heard so much about, but no.
I still fantasize sexually, of course. The object of my fantasy varies depending on the day and the act I'm fantasising about, and 3 is very much in the rotation. But I'm very detached, emotionally speaking. The feelings of romance and affection I feel for my boyfriends Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman are very strong when I think about them and especially so in sexual situations; not so with 3.
I remember once when I was waiting to see 3 for some planned intimacy. I remember worrying because I didn't feel like being intimate with him; I wasn't looking forward to it. I hoped that when the situation became sexual it would work out; and it did.
I don't quite know what I'm trying to say here. I guess it's that in a sexual context (in bed, undressed) I find 3 irressistable, but seeing him in a non-sexual context (even shirtless for swimming, say) does nothing for me.
I guess I'm just impressed my mind can be so detached from the whole thing. The media has always made it clear that such detachment is at best difficult and at worst impossible, but it's not been our experience.
I should also mention that the sex is very interesting because it's completely detached and platonic - we'll be hanging out as friends in bed, kissing and touching, laughing and joking, without any of the warm emotions that I have with Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman. I still have a great time with 3, but it's so very different.
I wish that I had words to describe it beyond "platonic", because apparently by definition the act of sex can't be "platonic" (which is defined as: Intimate and affectionate but not sexual.). But oh well - when I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.
This was written in February/March 2012.
This all remains pretty accurate. I never developed feelings for 3; I certainly give partial credit to the rules we made, though our desire to ensure that no feelings came of it probably had a greater impact.
------
So, it turns out an FWB arrangement can work; at least for a little while.
It's still surprisingly early days. Because of things we won't get into, we've been physically intimate less than half a dozen times, so there's certainly a possibility that in a few months time there'll be another post that will make me eat these words.
I'm impressed by how well my brain is compartmentalising the arrangement. I was actually rather worried that it wouldn't; that the stories would be true and I'd begin to feel those pesky emotions I've heard so much about, but no.
I still fantasize sexually, of course. The object of my fantasy varies depending on the day and the act I'm fantasising about, and 3 is very much in the rotation. But I'm very detached, emotionally speaking. The feelings of romance and affection I feel for my boyfriends Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman are very strong when I think about them and especially so in sexual situations; not so with 3.
I remember once when I was waiting to see 3 for some planned intimacy. I remember worrying because I didn't feel like being intimate with him; I wasn't looking forward to it. I hoped that when the situation became sexual it would work out; and it did.
I don't quite know what I'm trying to say here. I guess it's that in a sexual context (in bed, undressed) I find 3 irressistable, but seeing him in a non-sexual context (even shirtless for swimming, say) does nothing for me.
I guess I'm just impressed my mind can be so detached from the whole thing. The media has always made it clear that such detachment is at best difficult and at worst impossible, but it's not been our experience.
I should also mention that the sex is very interesting because it's completely detached and platonic - we'll be hanging out as friends in bed, kissing and touching, laughing and joking, without any of the warm emotions that I have with Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman. I still have a great time with 3, but it's so very different.
I wish that I had words to describe it beyond "platonic", because apparently by definition the act of sex can't be "platonic" (which is defined as: Intimate and affectionate but not sexual.). But oh well - when I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
A Modest Proposal §2
For some reason, I was in a bad mood that night. Like, a really shitty mood. I was yelling and angry for no reason, bailed out on attending a party at the last minute, and all-around acted like a shitty girlfriend thanks, in no small part, to Mr Wrong deciding to get a kebab.
Yes, really. (Mr Wrong says: "To be fair, that was an awesome kebab").
All of a sudden, at the McDonald's in Innaloo, I realised that Mr Wrong puts up with bullshit like that from me far more often than he should, and far more patiently than he should. Again, things crystallised in my mind. I texted Mr Oldman and Miss Prism to let them know my plan - they both freaked out - and all of a sudden I was in a good mood.
I told Mr Wrong that we should take a walk together instead of going to the party. Went to Hillarys Marina. We went there a lot when we first started dating - in fact, our first date was held at a stall selling magnetic jewellery that we wanted to ask questions about. A fitting start to a skeptical powercouple, I guess?
I parked the car near a park and we sat on some swings and talked and hung out. Then we walked up the hill to a lookout.
 |
| The view from the lookout during the day. |
We sat on the table and Mr Wrong, ever the musician, started experimenting with the noises that the table made when he punched it. I started talking about the story Miss Prism told me about her breakup and it made me think about how much I need him in my life, and how I felt about him, and all the rest. I told him I loved him. And then I said those fateful words: "I guess what I'm trying to say is," (gets down on one knee, grabs his hands) "Will you marry me?"
An imperceptible pause and he says yes, professes his disbelief, and hugs and kisses follow. A bit of giggling too, I'd bet.
Then we walked down that dark, twisty path and I slipped on some gravel. I got right back up and more giggling was had. We held hands and hugged like the little schoolgirls we are.
 |
| The path to the lookout! Much scarier at night, much darker! ooooo, spooky! |
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Modest Proposal §1
On the 12th of May, 2012 at about 8pm I proposed to Mr Wrong.
He said yes. In fact, as I got down on one knee and held his hands, he gushed in surprise and delight and gave me a big hug.
But let me take you back a few months to when I made the decision to propose. I was talking to a friend who had recently gone through a breakup. She was telling me about how it felt (apparently: not very good!), and everything sort of fell into place in my mind and at that moment I realised what I needed to do.
The feeling that really sticks with me is when Mr Wrong is up in Perth studying, and I'm at home on my own. When I'm in bed reading, I'll sometimes hear a noise and I'll look to the door of the bedroom hoping he's coming to join me. The feeling of disappointment when I remember he's in Perth is really awful. It's to the point where I've stopped sleeping in our bedroom when he's not home, instead watching Project Runway on our fold out couch.
That feeling - that need to be with him - is what made me decide to do it. The feeling I get when I look at him. The way he smiles. How we've both grown and changed as people, but that we've grown together. The fact that, even after all this time, we still love spending time together.
As a couple, we knew we were going to be together forever from very early on - at about the one year mark. It just worked. We clicked right from the start like with nobody before or since. Our goals align. Our attitudes align.
We're perfect together.
So we're getting married :)
He said yes. In fact, as I got down on one knee and held his hands, he gushed in surprise and delight and gave me a big hug.
But let me take you back a few months to when I made the decision to propose. I was talking to a friend who had recently gone through a breakup. She was telling me about how it felt (apparently: not very good!), and everything sort of fell into place in my mind and at that moment I realised what I needed to do.
The feeling that really sticks with me is when Mr Wrong is up in Perth studying, and I'm at home on my own. When I'm in bed reading, I'll sometimes hear a noise and I'll look to the door of the bedroom hoping he's coming to join me. The feeling of disappointment when I remember he's in Perth is really awful. It's to the point where I've stopped sleeping in our bedroom when he's not home, instead watching Project Runway on our fold out couch.
That feeling - that need to be with him - is what made me decide to do it. The feeling I get when I look at him. The way he smiles. How we've both grown and changed as people, but that we've grown together. The fact that, even after all this time, we still love spending time together.
As a couple, we knew we were going to be together forever from very early on - at about the one year mark. It just worked. We clicked right from the start like with nobody before or since. Our goals align. Our attitudes align.
We're perfect together.
So we're getting married :)
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Constitution (FWB rules), In Full, Unabridged
I notice that I'm getting a few google search queries for my "Rules for Friends with Benefits" posts which is more of a commentary of the rules than a proper, full, unabridged list of the final rules.
I remember creating the rules (or The Constitution, as it was dubbed by me and 3) after being disappointed at the lack of similar things available online - so here is our list of rules, in full, for posterity.
These rules are unlikely to change in the future as me and the FWB who helped write them are no longer FWBs. They were successful in that we didn't fall in love, and I found the rules helping me avoid thinking about him in a romantic way. However, our friendship has taken a hit as a result of everything - but that's a risk we knew we were taking when we started.
Note that both of us were polyamorous/open relationship type people, which is why there are lots of references to outside sex partners - I understand that lots of FWB arrangements are made temporarily with the intention of being broken off once one of the pair gets nookie elsewhere, so hopefully nobody is copying and pasting these rules, sending them to someone else, and not reading through them.
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved esolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into The Rambling Extrovert’s busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.
19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. The Rambling Extrovert is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.
20. [personal; omitted]
21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
If you want a more blow-by-blow commentary of the rules, check out the following blog posts:
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/list-of-rules-for-fwb-arrangement.html - discussing the initial state of the rules
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/list-of-rules-for-fwb-relationship.html - discussing the rules after revision - that revision is close to, but not identical to, the rules printed here
If you want a blow-by-blow commentary in a more sexual sense, you might like this post: http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/friends-with-benefits.html
I remember creating the rules (or The Constitution, as it was dubbed by me and 3) after being disappointed at the lack of similar things available online - so here is our list of rules, in full, for posterity.
These rules are unlikely to change in the future as me and the FWB who helped write them are no longer FWBs. They were successful in that we didn't fall in love, and I found the rules helping me avoid thinking about him in a romantic way. However, our friendship has taken a hit as a result of everything - but that's a risk we knew we were taking when we started.
Note that both of us were polyamorous/open relationship type people, which is why there are lots of references to outside sex partners - I understand that lots of FWB arrangements are made temporarily with the intention of being broken off once one of the pair gets nookie elsewhere, so hopefully nobody is copying and pasting these rules, sending them to someone else, and not reading through them.
***
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved esolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into The Rambling Extrovert’s busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.
19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. The Rambling Extrovert is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.
20. [personal; omitted]
21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
***
If you want a more blow-by-blow commentary of the rules, check out the following blog posts:
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/list-of-rules-for-fwb-arrangement.html - discussing the initial state of the rules
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/list-of-rules-for-fwb-relationship.html - discussing the rules after revision - that revision is close to, but not identical to, the rules printed here
If you want a blow-by-blow commentary in a more sexual sense, you might like this post: http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/friends-with-benefits.html
Saturday, May 26, 2012
The Broken Refrigerator
The broken refrigerator analogy is something that really spoke to me when I first read about it.
The analogy goes like this:
The article I linked to above goes into LOTS of detail explaining it, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't already read it and is interested in polyamory or open relationships.
I had an experience the other day that made me think back to the refrigerator analogy:
Miss Prism was joking to a female friend of hers, asking her if she wanted to have a threesome with herself and my beloved Mr Oldman. Watching this happen in front of me made me seethe with jealousy - I wanted to be part of such a threesome, thankyouverymuch! I wanted to provide Mr Oldman with an outlet for that stock straight male fantasy!
It got to the point where I was going to pull them both aside and tell them I wouldn't be comfortable with Mr Oldman having a threesome unless I got to be a part of it, even though I knew this proposition was a joke and the chances of the threesome happening were almost nil.
Then I thought about the refrigerator. Clearly, this hypothetical refrigerator of ours was broken and I was about to propose he stop buying frozen foods. Really, I should try and fix it instead.
I thought about Mr Oldman. I imagined the joy on his face if this hypothetical threesome were to occur, and immediately felt a little bit of compersion at the idea. I imagined how wonderful that day would be and who would I be to take that away from him!
Then I thought about why I was feeling jealousy - it's because I wanted to do something nice for my partner. I wanted to make him happy. And him having a threesome with two other women wouldn't infringe on that; in fact, my making a rule against it would have been the exact opposite of what I really wanted!
So, Miss Prism - if you can get that threesome for Mr Oldman.... go for it :)
The analogy goes like this:
Imagine you have a refrigerator. One day, it stops working - you come home to find your ice-cream melted, your milk warm and smelly, and your vegetables wilted.The last option is patently ridiculous; and yet it is the one most people in the poly community seem to choose. That is, when someone feels jealousy at their partner doing a particular thing, they make a rule against the thing rather than trying to find the cause of the jealousy.
You have three options at the moment: you can figure out how to fix the refrigerator; you can throw it away and buy a new one; or, you can decide to keep it as it is but never buy any foods that need to be frozen or refrigerated.
The article I linked to above goes into LOTS of detail explaining it, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't already read it and is interested in polyamory or open relationships.
I had an experience the other day that made me think back to the refrigerator analogy:
Miss Prism was joking to a female friend of hers, asking her if she wanted to have a threesome with herself and my beloved Mr Oldman. Watching this happen in front of me made me seethe with jealousy - I wanted to be part of such a threesome, thankyouverymuch! I wanted to provide Mr Oldman with an outlet for that stock straight male fantasy!
It got to the point where I was going to pull them both aside and tell them I wouldn't be comfortable with Mr Oldman having a threesome unless I got to be a part of it, even though I knew this proposition was a joke and the chances of the threesome happening were almost nil.
Then I thought about the refrigerator. Clearly, this hypothetical refrigerator of ours was broken and I was about to propose he stop buying frozen foods. Really, I should try and fix it instead.
I thought about Mr Oldman. I imagined the joy on his face if this hypothetical threesome were to occur, and immediately felt a little bit of compersion at the idea. I imagined how wonderful that day would be and who would I be to take that away from him!
Then I thought about why I was feeling jealousy - it's because I wanted to do something nice for my partner. I wanted to make him happy. And him having a threesome with two other women wouldn't infringe on that; in fact, my making a rule against it would have been the exact opposite of what I really wanted!
So, Miss Prism - if you can get that threesome for Mr Oldman.... go for it :)
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Jealousy and Compersion
As far as polyamory goes, I have been really 'fortunate' you could say, in that in all my relationships I was effectively the sole girlfriend and so was never confronted with jealousy head on. Mr Oldman has a girlfriend, but she lives in a foreign country so it didn't really affect me on a day-to-day basis. I tried my best to get Mr Wrong a girlfriend, to be a good wingman, but it hasn't panned out... at least not yet!
Then, Mr Oldman went on a couple of dates with one of my good friends. For some reason I want to give this friend the nickname "Miss Prism" after the character from The Importance of Being Earnest. I know she'll object to this, but I like it.
When they were on their date, I was spending the evening feeling super excited, wanting to know how well it was going, trying to imagine what was happening. The next morning I eagerly texted them both for details, and then I found out that Mr Oldman and Miss Prism both had a most delightful evening.
I felt jealous. I hadn't felt it before - at least for a long time. It was like a small thing squeezing my heart. It felt weird. I knew that this sort of thing is common and expected, even in poly relationships, so I tried to set it aside.
A few days later, I was visiting Mr Oldman in Perth and I asked him to tell me how the date went in detail. He gave me details from the dinner he cooked for Miss Prism, and even included some of the more saucy ones. As he told me the story of their date, that little squeezing feeling of jealousy evaporated so very quickly. Instead of it being an abstract feeling that he slept with somebody else, instead I had this beautiful feeling that he had this wonderful date with a great person. I had compersion in a big way. Let me be the first to say that compersion is AMAZING, almost on the level of new relationship energy. And the more details I was given, the stronger this feeling was.
I know details aren't for everyone. Mr Wrong hates me going into sexy details, but I think that's because I talk about my sex life so much that he knows he's going to hear me telling 3 or one of my other friends about it in short order anyway. But hearing Mr Oldman's sexy details made me feel so happy that I was glad he was willing to share :).
Then, Mr Oldman went on a couple of dates with one of my good friends. For some reason I want to give this friend the nickname "Miss Prism" after the character from The Importance of Being Earnest. I know she'll object to this, but I like it.
When they were on their date, I was spending the evening feeling super excited, wanting to know how well it was going, trying to imagine what was happening. The next morning I eagerly texted them both for details, and then I found out that Mr Oldman and Miss Prism both had a most delightful evening.
I felt jealous. I hadn't felt it before - at least for a long time. It was like a small thing squeezing my heart. It felt weird. I knew that this sort of thing is common and expected, even in poly relationships, so I tried to set it aside.
A few days later, I was visiting Mr Oldman in Perth and I asked him to tell me how the date went in detail. He gave me details from the dinner he cooked for Miss Prism, and even included some of the more saucy ones. As he told me the story of their date, that little squeezing feeling of jealousy evaporated so very quickly. Instead of it being an abstract feeling that he slept with somebody else, instead I had this beautiful feeling that he had this wonderful date with a great person. I had compersion in a big way. Let me be the first to say that compersion is AMAZING, almost on the level of new relationship energy. And the more details I was given, the stronger this feeling was.
I know details aren't for everyone. Mr Wrong hates me going into sexy details, but I think that's because I talk about my sex life so much that he knows he's going to hear me telling 3 or one of my other friends about it in short order anyway. But hearing Mr Oldman's sexy details made me feel so happy that I was glad he was willing to share :).
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
"Relationship Anarchy"
Several months ago, I heard a term called "relationship anarchy". At the time, I understood it to mean a different way of looking at relationships than "boyfriend", "husband", "best friend", "sister", "fwb" and so on. Instead, you have a relationship with everyone you know, and each relationship is unique with its own properties and levels of physical and emotional intimacy and committment don't necessarily map to one another in the 'traditional' sense.
Here's a couple of examples of the other sorts of relationships you might have:
It's an interesting attitude to take when entering a new relationship - I asked my new squeeze, Mr Wonderful, out, and in response he said he didn't feel comfortable dating me but would be happy to be my FWB. We exchanged more information/ideas/impressions/expectations and realised that we both wanted the same things from one another, only I wanted to call it a romantic relationship and he wanted to call it an FWB arrangement. Neither term really described it adequately, so at the moment we're just not labelling it at all.
At the moment, the FWB label seems to fit better of the two but only marginally, and I'm convinced this is because our relationship is very physical at the moment because it's still such early days. Things with Mr Wonderful definitely feel different than things with 3. I think in the future other labels will get closer to describing it, and who knows, maybe one will stick.
But for now, there's not really any good way to describe our relationship other than Facebook's "It's Complicated".
This is really cool. It's really freeing.
Here's a couple of examples of the other sorts of relationships you might have:
- Someone who you sometimes kiss
- Someone you share all of your deepest, darkest secrets and ask for advice all the time, but have no physical relationship with.
- Someone you're in love with, never kiss, but sometimes go to bed with when you're both tipsy
It's an interesting attitude to take when entering a new relationship - I asked my new squeeze, Mr Wonderful, out, and in response he said he didn't feel comfortable dating me but would be happy to be my FWB. We exchanged more information/ideas/impressions/expectations and realised that we both wanted the same things from one another, only I wanted to call it a romantic relationship and he wanted to call it an FWB arrangement. Neither term really described it adequately, so at the moment we're just not labelling it at all.
At the moment, the FWB label seems to fit better of the two but only marginally, and I'm convinced this is because our relationship is very physical at the moment because it's still such early days. Things with Mr Wonderful definitely feel different than things with 3. I think in the future other labels will get closer to describing it, and who knows, maybe one will stick.
But for now, there's not really any good way to describe our relationship other than Facebook's "It's Complicated".
 |
This is really cool. It's really freeing.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
New Relationship Energy and Rules
My secondary (how I loathe the term) boyfriend, Mr Oldman, has recently started being involved with a new girl. As a result, he's feeling this wonderful feeling that we in polyamory circles like to call "New Relationship Energy (NRE)". It's that feeling you get when you first get together with somebody, where you're checking your phone constantly for messages, thinking about them all the time and smiling to yourself, and unable to think about anything else and not wanting to.
(Aside: I, too, am at the beginning of a new relationship, so the two of us are both enjoying NRE for the first time since we began dating in September. This shit's addictive!)
Some background: Mr Oldman and I are in a "medium distance" relationship. We live about two hours apart, and I see him most weekends. As a result, when I see him I get all excited and like to spend as much time as possible with him.
However, on a recent visit to see Mr Oldman, he asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night with the new girl rather than me. I could relate to this because I was wanting to see my new squeeze as well, plus, I'd just recently heard Mr Oldman talk about the wonderful night he'd spent with the new girl recently, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear about it, so who was I to refuse? And so they spent what I'm sure was another wonderful night together, and I stayed with my primary. (For the record, the following day my primary left me and my new beau alone for several hours, so I benefitted from a similar sort of arrangement).
The next day, the three of us (primary [Mr Wrong], secondary [Mr Oldman], myself) all went out for breakfast. Mr Oldman felt bad for blowing me off, but I legitimately understood perfectly the reasoning behind it. When you can't stop thinking about someone, it's kind of hard to pass up an opportunity to spend time with them. The feeling of NRE only lasts a couple of months at most, so it's important to take advantage of it while it exists. I told him as much.
Now, here is the part that I found really interesting: he said to me, "Let's make a rule that if you're visiting me, I have to spend time with you and not other people."
I gave him a look and said, "That's stupid. Let's make a rule that says 'do whatever you want (as long as it's not unfair)'. Most of the time, you're going to want to be with me on my visits; and times you don't want to be with me will be times you'd probably ask for an exception to be made to the rule anyway (you know, times like last night). So this would have the same effect but without any room for guilt tripping."
He agreed.
(Aside: I, too, am at the beginning of a new relationship, so the two of us are both enjoying NRE for the first time since we began dating in September. This shit's addictive!)
Some background: Mr Oldman and I are in a "medium distance" relationship. We live about two hours apart, and I see him most weekends. As a result, when I see him I get all excited and like to spend as much time as possible with him.
However, on a recent visit to see Mr Oldman, he asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night with the new girl rather than me. I could relate to this because I was wanting to see my new squeeze as well, plus, I'd just recently heard Mr Oldman talk about the wonderful night he'd spent with the new girl recently, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear about it, so who was I to refuse? And so they spent what I'm sure was another wonderful night together, and I stayed with my primary. (For the record, the following day my primary left me and my new beau alone for several hours, so I benefitted from a similar sort of arrangement).
The next day, the three of us (primary [Mr Wrong], secondary [Mr Oldman], myself) all went out for breakfast. Mr Oldman felt bad for blowing me off, but I legitimately understood perfectly the reasoning behind it. When you can't stop thinking about someone, it's kind of hard to pass up an opportunity to spend time with them. The feeling of NRE only lasts a couple of months at most, so it's important to take advantage of it while it exists. I told him as much.
Now, here is the part that I found really interesting: he said to me, "Let's make a rule that if you're visiting me, I have to spend time with you and not other people."
I gave him a look and said, "That's stupid. Let's make a rule that says 'do whatever you want (as long as it's not unfair)'. Most of the time, you're going to want to be with me on my visits; and times you don't want to be with me will be times you'd probably ask for an exception to be made to the rule anyway (you know, times like last night). So this would have the same effect but without any room for guilt tripping."
He agreed.
Monday, March 26, 2012
What makes a primary or a secondary?
In polyamory circles, people refer to "primary", "secondary", and even sometimes "tertiary" partners. Usually, a 'primary' is the person you've been dating the longest, though it's not uncommon for people to refer to having two primaries (usually someone who lives with both of them), and sometimes people who have recently broken up with a primary and are only pursuing more casual relationships with existing or new secondaries refer to to "being one's own primary".
So I thought it might be interesting to post my own take on the distictions - I am sure anyone who reads this will know that this tiny blog does not begin to speak for the poly community.
I think two people become primaries when they begin thinking about living their lives together (you know, the part of the relationship where you both know that if one of you proposes the other will say 'yes', but nobody's gotten down on one knee yet), which, according to hollywood and soap operas, more or less correlates with the 'moving in together' sort of stage.
I think that even monogamous people do this - they start out as secondaries, and then become primaries later on down the road. Just as you go from 'dating' to 'exclusive', a further step is taken where you become what I would call 'primaries'.
This meshes well with the way that poly people often seem to use "primary" and "secondary" - one's primary partner/s are those one lives with, has a family with, (possibly) raises children with, etc, whilst ones secondary/s tend to be in the "dating" spectrum somewhere.
I know there are many poly people who refer to having, say, a primary of 8 months and a secondary of 2 months; in my mind, depending on the seriousness of both relationships, they'd both fit more to what I feel a "secondary" might be to me.
I also feel like I should mention that I object to the implicit hierachy present in the terms "primary" and "secondary". Lots of people seem to use "SO" and "OSO" (significant other and other significant other), which I think is quite a bit nicer. SO and OSO seem to roughly correspond to the terms 'primary' and 'secondary', but in my opinion seem to be a little bit, well, fairer!
So I thought it might be interesting to post my own take on the distictions - I am sure anyone who reads this will know that this tiny blog does not begin to speak for the poly community.
I think two people become primaries when they begin thinking about living their lives together (you know, the part of the relationship where you both know that if one of you proposes the other will say 'yes', but nobody's gotten down on one knee yet), which, according to hollywood and soap operas, more or less correlates with the 'moving in together' sort of stage.
I think that even monogamous people do this - they start out as secondaries, and then become primaries later on down the road. Just as you go from 'dating' to 'exclusive', a further step is taken where you become what I would call 'primaries'.
This meshes well with the way that poly people often seem to use "primary" and "secondary" - one's primary partner/s are those one lives with, has a family with, (possibly) raises children with, etc, whilst ones secondary/s tend to be in the "dating" spectrum somewhere.
I know there are many poly people who refer to having, say, a primary of 8 months and a secondary of 2 months; in my mind, depending on the seriousness of both relationships, they'd both fit more to what I feel a "secondary" might be to me.
I also feel like I should mention that I object to the implicit hierachy present in the terms "primary" and "secondary". Lots of people seem to use "SO" and "OSO" (significant other and other significant other), which I think is quite a bit nicer. SO and OSO seem to roughly correspond to the terms 'primary' and 'secondary', but in my opinion seem to be a little bit, well, fairer!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
A List of Rules for an FWB relationship, revised
About two months ago I came up with some 'rules' for my relationship with 3, my FWB. We've since modified the rules somewhat and I feel the differences are worthy of discussion, particularly what lead us to decide to make these modifications.
I've decided not to publish the entire rule sheet in full in this document; instead, just the ones that have changed from the previous post have been published.
These rules are as of early Feburary 2011.
Comment: We have been very cautious about accidentally going on dates; we realised that the rule did not actually elaborate on what "counted" as a date, particularly because we would often eat together and hang out as friends prior to intimacy. We don't see any reason why this is a problem. This rule has been useful.
Comment: Ahaha! this rule has changed. The old rule said that there may be appropriate contexts for PDAs (Public Displays of Affections) between FWBs. This was my fault and my addition; I somehow thought that I might want to greet XY with kisses. I think the reason I had the attitude before was because it turns out 3 is a really great kisser and I wanted to potentially maximise my opportunities to experience this.
Comment: You'd be surprised at how often this came up. Admittedly, it kind of sucks not to be able to do favours for one another at the drop of a hat; but the benefit of this rule is that it allows favours to be performed in exchange for sex, if both parties are willing. Which can be a win-win situation at times.
Comment: For 3's privacy and I guess my own, we're keeping things under wraps. 3's identity is known only to very few people, and still fewer know that we are actually still intent on continuing this whole sexing one another up thing. I guess this blog post kind of puts a wrench in that. If somehow the entire world was informed of 3's identity, it wouldn't exactly ruin our lives.
I, of course, don't believe that these rules will magically stop me and 3 from falling in love and running away to Fiji together to set up a hot dog stand. However, it seems to be working so far and I very much like that my brain is used to seeing 3 in a unique way.
After all, our emotions and feelings for others are just the result of our brains doing their thing with various hormones being secreted having various effects. The more we try to spur our brains off of things that might lead to romantic feelings (which, when you get down to it, are just oxytocin or whatever the love hormone du jour is), the less chance this whole sex thing will have of going off the rails. I hope :)
I've decided not to publish the entire rule sheet in full in this document; instead, just the ones that have changed from the previous post have been published.
These rules are as of early Feburary 2011.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.
Comment: We have been very cautious about accidentally going on dates; we realised that the rule did not actually elaborate on what "counted" as a date, particularly because we would often eat together and hang out as friends prior to intimacy. We don't see any reason why this is a problem. This rule has been useful.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.
Comment: Ahaha! this rule has changed. The old rule said that there may be appropriate contexts for PDAs (Public Displays of Affections) between FWBs. This was my fault and my addition; I somehow thought that I might want to greet XY with kisses. I think the reason I had the attitude before was because it turns out 3 is a really great kisser and I wanted to potentially maximise my opportunities to experience this.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
Comment: You'd be surprised at how often this came up. Admittedly, it kind of sucks not to be able to do favours for one another at the drop of a hat; but the benefit of this rule is that it allows favours to be performed in exchange for sex, if both parties are willing. Which can be a win-win situation at times.
15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.Comment: This rule has changed. In an attempt to distance the FWB arrangement from my polyamorous arrangements with my boyfriends, I initially added a rule that FWBs need not be informed of new sex partners. This was stupid; sex is always risky thanks to pregnancy and STIs, and if 3 hooked up with a crack whore I would want to know about it. The friendship I have with 3 is very much centered on discussing our sex lives in great detail, though, so I never thought this would be an issue. However, it's a bad precedent to set, so the rule was changed to explicitly require knowledge of outside sex partners.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).Comment: This is a brand new rule! Fancy that. I added it because one of the ways I show my friends how I care about them is through buying gifts. I was noticing I was seeing things in the shops and thinking to myself "I should buy that for 3" the same way I do with my platonic friends and, of course, my boyfriends. I decided that in line with rule 0 (the friendship is inhibited by these rules) I would institute a blanket "no gifts" rule. This rule was more recently amended to allow sexual gifts to be bought for one another.
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.
19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. XX is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.
Comment: For 3's privacy and I guess my own, we're keeping things under wraps. 3's identity is known only to very few people, and still fewer know that we are actually still intent on continuing this whole sexing one another up thing. I guess this blog post kind of puts a wrench in that. If somehow the entire world was informed of 3's identity, it wouldn't exactly ruin our lives.
{rule 20 is stupid/silly/private and omitted}
21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.Comment: Sharing a bed with somebody is an intimate activity - which is why there's a rule against sharing beds unless sex occurs. However, since I now live in a new town 2 hours south of where 3 lives, there will probably come a time where 3 stays over for a weekend for sex amongst other things. In order to allow lots of sex to occur but the bed-sharing intimacy to remain in check, this rule has been implemented.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).
I, of course, don't believe that these rules will magically stop me and 3 from falling in love and running away to Fiji together to set up a hot dog stand. However, it seems to be working so far and I very much like that my brain is used to seeing 3 in a unique way.
After all, our emotions and feelings for others are just the result of our brains doing their thing with various hormones being secreted having various effects. The more we try to spur our brains off of things that might lead to romantic feelings (which, when you get down to it, are just oxytocin or whatever the love hormone du jour is), the less chance this whole sex thing will have of going off the rails. I hope :)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A list of rules for a FWB arrangement
These rules were made on the 31st of October, 2011.
In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.
As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about
In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.
If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.
----
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.
As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about
In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.
If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.
----
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friends with Benefits
NOTE: I wrote this post on 30th of October 2011. I've set this to automatically be posted in a few months, at which point there may be updates to this about how spectacularly it failed, or it could be going well still. Who knows, I might make more posts in this theme and schedule them to all be released one day after another. But at the time it was written, it seemed too personal to share with the internet, yet I do want it to be shared eventually, so here it is.
~~~~~~~~~
People say friends with benefits can't work.
I have no fucking clue whether this is true; all I know is I have a very sexy friend (3, as I shall call him) who has completely complementary sexual desires to me.
I went to his place for what was going to be an entirely platonic sleepover, or so I assumed. I was, of course, secretly hoping there'd be more to it - and there was a reasonable chance of that, since we'd made a conscious decision to make our friendship more physical and even gone so far as to set a date for the sex. There's a facebook event for it (really!).
So, after a sexual tension filled night of Skyping with a friend of ours (in his bedroom and in fact in his bed for most of the time), both of us secretly hoping something would happen, longing glances shared before self-consciously looking away.
We moved onto google hangout, and after a while it borked and he handed me his phone and said "see if you can get it working again" when that was the last thing on my mind. Then all of a sudden he kissed me and it was the sweet feeling of release.
Then, of course, my mobile rang; out of reflex I ceased the kissing and answered it but immediately regretted it. It was the friend we were Skyping with wanting to know what happened. I answered the phone with a very annoyed "do you know what you just interrupted?!".
Nerves and self-consciousness meant the kissing wasn't going to restart any time soon; we just lay cuddled together in bed, talking about who knows what.
It was interesting how different the vibe of the relationship was when compared with the one I have with my boyfriends. The sexcapades were done in a very platonic way that was yet rather lustful. The compliments we made to one another's bodies or sexual techniques were friendly and not in the least bit romantic.
Of course, the hormones make you feel things and have attitudes of affection that aren't normal for a friendship, but as long as you're aware of them and appreciate the feelings are a natural byproduct of endorphins and whatnot you can enjoy them "responsibly".
The new relationship energy has now made me fixated on 3, which is good as it's taking away from the pain of not being able to see N more than once a week while he works on his thesis. I'm mostly fixated on 3 from the sexual conquest angle, though - I was pursuing this guy for several months to get to this point, and it seems to be working out.
However, I'm going to end up way too exhausted from all of this. I'm going to look forward to the time when the NRE wears off and hopefully only the sexual things will remain. Because handling three regular sex partners - let alone three regular activity partners who I need to go on dates with etc - is going to be difficult.
Fortunately, me and 3 have agreed that we want to stabilise in a "once every month or so" sexual frequency which will be far easier to manage.
Now, we just need to begin by having sex once....
~~~~~~~~~
People say friends with benefits can't work.
I have no fucking clue whether this is true; all I know is I have a very sexy friend (3, as I shall call him) who has completely complementary sexual desires to me.
I went to his place for what was going to be an entirely platonic sleepover, or so I assumed. I was, of course, secretly hoping there'd be more to it - and there was a reasonable chance of that, since we'd made a conscious decision to make our friendship more physical and even gone so far as to set a date for the sex. There's a facebook event for it (really!).
So, after a sexual tension filled night of Skyping with a friend of ours (in his bedroom and in fact in his bed for most of the time), both of us secretly hoping something would happen, longing glances shared before self-consciously looking away.
We moved onto google hangout, and after a while it borked and he handed me his phone and said "see if you can get it working again" when that was the last thing on my mind. Then all of a sudden he kissed me and it was the sweet feeling of release.
Then, of course, my mobile rang; out of reflex I ceased the kissing and answered it but immediately regretted it. It was the friend we were Skyping with wanting to know what happened. I answered the phone with a very annoyed "do you know what you just interrupted?!".
Nerves and self-consciousness meant the kissing wasn't going to restart any time soon; we just lay cuddled together in bed, talking about who knows what.
It was interesting how different the vibe of the relationship was when compared with the one I have with my boyfriends. The sexcapades were done in a very platonic way that was yet rather lustful. The compliments we made to one another's bodies or sexual techniques were friendly and not in the least bit romantic.
Of course, the hormones make you feel things and have attitudes of affection that aren't normal for a friendship, but as long as you're aware of them and appreciate the feelings are a natural byproduct of endorphins and whatnot you can enjoy them "responsibly".
The new relationship energy has now made me fixated on 3, which is good as it's taking away from the pain of not being able to see N more than once a week while he works on his thesis. I'm mostly fixated on 3 from the sexual conquest angle, though - I was pursuing this guy for several months to get to this point, and it seems to be working out.
However, I'm going to end up way too exhausted from all of this. I'm going to look forward to the time when the NRE wears off and hopefully only the sexual things will remain. Because handling three regular sex partners - let alone three regular activity partners who I need to go on dates with etc - is going to be difficult.
Fortunately, me and 3 have agreed that we want to stabilise in a "once every month or so" sexual frequency which will be far easier to manage.
Now, we just need to begin by having sex once....
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Another Poly Rant
Much like my partner Mr Wrong did recently, I put a notice up on facebook outing myself as poly and explaining, roughly, what the idea was.
A good guy posted some very interesting comments. He's the sort of person who has a lot to say about things and doesn't quite understand what this whole romance thing is, and he always has a cool perspective.
He makes some good, interesting and probably quite valid points. In the spirit of examining the arguments, I want to go through what he's said and give rebuttals or something. Yes, this blog should be renamed to "The Rambling Extrovert Defends Polyamory". I hope the guy who posts it never sees this, or if he does, doesn't take offense to it.
This relies on a couple of assumptions:
a) Every relationship you have must be equal
b) Mediation is a bad thing
Let's go through these assumptions...
Every relationship you have must be equal
Let's go through my entire relationship history in chronological order:
- A guy I went out on one very awkward date with in high school (we saw I, Robot)
- A guy I dated for a year but didn't fall in love with
- My current partner, Mr Wrong, who I've been dating nearly 4 years and love very much
- My new boyfriend, Mr Oldman, who I've been dating just over a month
Now, these relationships are clearly not equal - I'd leave it to the reader to rank them.
Does it matter that some of them overlap chronologically, and some of them don't?
Mediation is a Bad Thing
The cornerstone of polyamory is about communicating to your partners what you're thinking and feeling - my friend implied a hypothetical situation in which, say, I started spending too much time with Mr Oldman and Mr Wrong started feeling left out. And that could happen - in fact, it did!
I had to go away for a week, and I'd made plans to spend the day I got home with Mr Wrong and the following evening with Mr Oldman. Mr Wrong told me he felt a bit uneasy that I wanted to see Mr Oldman on my second night back rather than him; but we discussed it and I explained that I missed both of them very much, and that I wanted to make the most of the New Relationship Energy that I was feeling when I was with Mr Oldman.
Further discussions with P led me to be more careful about when I scheduled things - now I do my best to schedule my dates with Mr Oldman so that they happen on nights when Mr Wrong is out at concerts or otherwise busy - which also gives me the extra bonus of being able to use any concerts Mr Wrong is attending as an excuse to spend time with Mr Oldman, leading to me potentially seeing more of him than I otherwise would and Mr Wrong still being comfortable with it! Fuck yeah!
EDIT: The main thing I meant to include in this section, but for some reason forgot to, was that in a monogamous relationship a LOT of mediation is going on, or should be. For example, Mr Wrong was once a little annoyed I wanted to spend time alone rather than with him, and we discussed it and worked out an agreement. The same thing happens with the poly issues above, and it will likely get us more into the habit of discussing non-poly sources of conflict/rejection and improve our communication skills.
And I hope I feel love the same way everyone else does, because it KICKS ARSE :)
A good guy posted some very interesting comments. He's the sort of person who has a lot to say about things and doesn't quite understand what this whole romance thing is, and he always has a cool perspective.
He makes some good, interesting and probably quite valid points. In the spirit of examining the arguments, I want to go through what he's said and give rebuttals or something. Yes, this blog should be renamed to "The Rambling Extrovert Defends Polyamory". I hope the guy who posts it never sees this, or if he does, doesn't take offense to it.
It's hard enough with two people making sure that both people feel about the same level of attraction and commitment to the relationship and you don't get an imbalance of one person putting more in than another, but how much moreso if you're trying to mediate between three people and make sure that you don't get two people becoming too close to the exclusion of the third.
This relies on a couple of assumptions:
a) Every relationship you have must be equal
b) Mediation is a bad thing
Let's go through these assumptions...
Every relationship you have must be equal
Let's go through my entire relationship history in chronological order:
- A guy I went out on one very awkward date with in high school (we saw I, Robot)
- A guy I dated for a year but didn't fall in love with
- My current partner, Mr Wrong, who I've been dating nearly 4 years and love very much
- My new boyfriend, Mr Oldman, who I've been dating just over a month
Now, these relationships are clearly not equal - I'd leave it to the reader to rank them.
Does it matter that some of them overlap chronologically, and some of them don't?
Mediation is a Bad Thing
The cornerstone of polyamory is about communicating to your partners what you're thinking and feeling - my friend implied a hypothetical situation in which, say, I started spending too much time with Mr Oldman and Mr Wrong started feeling left out. And that could happen - in fact, it did!
I had to go away for a week, and I'd made plans to spend the day I got home with Mr Wrong and the following evening with Mr Oldman. Mr Wrong told me he felt a bit uneasy that I wanted to see Mr Oldman on my second night back rather than him; but we discussed it and I explained that I missed both of them very much, and that I wanted to make the most of the New Relationship Energy that I was feeling when I was with Mr Oldman.
Further discussions with P led me to be more careful about when I scheduled things - now I do my best to schedule my dates with Mr Oldman so that they happen on nights when Mr Wrong is out at concerts or otherwise busy - which also gives me the extra bonus of being able to use any concerts Mr Wrong is attending as an excuse to spend time with Mr Oldman, leading to me potentially seeing more of him than I otherwise would and Mr Wrong still being comfortable with it! Fuck yeah!
EDIT: The main thing I meant to include in this section, but for some reason forgot to, was that in a monogamous relationship a LOT of mediation is going on, or should be. For example, Mr Wrong was once a little annoyed I wanted to spend time alone rather than with him, and we discussed it and worked out an agreement. The same thing happens with the poly issues above, and it will likely get us more into the habit of discussing non-poly sources of conflict/rejection and improve our communication skills.
From a less mathematical objective perspective and from a more emotional personal perspective, to me I simply can't understand the idea, it seems to undermine the very point of having a relationship."The very point of having a relationship"? For me, the point of having a relationship is companionship, friendship, support, love, and (of course!) sex. Having multiple relationships will only increase the amount of those things you get. Fuck yeah!
I can only assume that you feel things like love, attachment and jealousy in a completely foreign way to me. I don't think there's anything morally *wrong* with what you're doing, of course, but I think that for most people it would be psychologically unhealthy. I know this sounds harsh, but the only conclusion I can come up with is that sex, love and relationships mean nothing to you. :/What do we call that, when you can only imagine something happening one way so that must be the way it is? Argument from ignorance? And I do feel jealousy! But you need to identify it's there and think about your reasons for feeling it and then 'get over it', through thinking or just discussion with your partners.
And I hope I feel love the same way everyone else does, because it KICKS ARSE :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
On being a slut
Let me get something out of the way: The Rambling Extrovert is a blog for ranting, and here comes a rant.
To be honest, I think that sentence is a crock of shit. I don't think a single part of it is true. I kind of want to go through each individual word and say why it's bullshit, but there's not much I can say about the word "if". This is all going to be rather nit-picking, but that's the idea.
So I'll do a (mostly) piecewise attack on the sentence, and let me know if there's an assumption or point it makes that I haven't addressed or tackled or whatever.
So, in order:
"Have sex with"
What exactly does it mean to 'have sex'? The underlying assumption of the quote is the good old "penis in vagina" sort of biblically-sanctified husband-and-wife sort of thing, but that is not what sex truly is. Yes, we'll be splitting hairs about definitions but that's what I'm doing. To some extent, sex is everything you do with someone you are attracted to. From kissing, to holding hands, to threesomes, even to what you commonly think of as "sex" - it's all part of the same thing, the same wonderful part of life that involves you and another person exploring one another's body sexually. There are gay male couples who do not have anal sex but refer to their blowjob/jack-off/etc filled bedroom life as "sex". There's no reason to be attached to the penis/vagina interaction as something different from everything most people do to each other before that hole gets plugged.
"too many people"
I'm sorry, what? Too many people? What is too many people? If you asked a version of me from a past (catholic) life, I would have said "anyone other than my future husband". Other people might be able to give a number, but it varies depending on the person. And you know what? It's bullshit, too. Is there a limit on the number of people one can kiss in their lifetime? Hold hands with? Be friends with? Smile at? I guess I could imagine having sex with "too many" people as having sex with so many people that one's vagina ends up being rubbed raw, but even that one could accomplish by having sex with one or two people enough times in quick succession... so I'm not sure.
"no longer special"
What the hell does 'special' mean? Is the penis-in-vagina sex that people have special, really? I would be the first to say that it's a lot of fun, and yes, sure, it gets you more connected to your sex partner, but I wouldn't say it was any more dramatic than any other of the multitude of sex or romance acts out there.
And besides, why SHOULD sex be 'special'? Do you have people not wanting to play soccer too much because it would no longer be 'special'? If you like having sex, it will be special. Geez.
BESIDES,
Having sex with more than one person has, in my (addmittedly limited) experience, made it more special as you can appreciate the differences in the sexual ouvres of each person and come to understand what it is about sex with a particular partner that is really worth it. It makes you realise the difference between having sex with someone you've met recently and enjoy spending time with and want to get to know better compared with having sex with someone you've been with for a number of years and love very much and already know super well. The contrast between the delight in finding out what turns a new partner on and the comfort and security in knowing you know exactly how to drive an old partner crazy. That's why I'm loving polyamory. That's why I love being a slut. That is why the sentence I quoted is a crock of shit.
But hell, to each their own, right? I just wanted to throw my opinion out there =D.
"If you have sex with too many people, it's no longer special."Somebody said that to me today, and with the most noble intentions.
To be honest, I think that sentence is a crock of shit. I don't think a single part of it is true. I kind of want to go through each individual word and say why it's bullshit, but there's not much I can say about the word "if". This is all going to be rather nit-picking, but that's the idea.
So I'll do a (mostly) piecewise attack on the sentence, and let me know if there's an assumption or point it makes that I haven't addressed or tackled or whatever.
So, in order:
"Have sex with"
What exactly does it mean to 'have sex'? The underlying assumption of the quote is the good old "penis in vagina" sort of biblically-sanctified husband-and-wife sort of thing, but that is not what sex truly is. Yes, we'll be splitting hairs about definitions but that's what I'm doing. To some extent, sex is everything you do with someone you are attracted to. From kissing, to holding hands, to threesomes, even to what you commonly think of as "sex" - it's all part of the same thing, the same wonderful part of life that involves you and another person exploring one another's body sexually. There are gay male couples who do not have anal sex but refer to their blowjob/jack-off/etc filled bedroom life as "sex". There's no reason to be attached to the penis/vagina interaction as something different from everything most people do to each other before that hole gets plugged.
"too many people"
I'm sorry, what? Too many people? What is too many people? If you asked a version of me from a past (catholic) life, I would have said "anyone other than my future husband". Other people might be able to give a number, but it varies depending on the person. And you know what? It's bullshit, too. Is there a limit on the number of people one can kiss in their lifetime? Hold hands with? Be friends with? Smile at? I guess I could imagine having sex with "too many" people as having sex with so many people that one's vagina ends up being rubbed raw, but even that one could accomplish by having sex with one or two people enough times in quick succession... so I'm not sure.
"no longer special"
What the hell does 'special' mean? Is the penis-in-vagina sex that people have special, really? I would be the first to say that it's a lot of fun, and yes, sure, it gets you more connected to your sex partner, but I wouldn't say it was any more dramatic than any other of the multitude of sex or romance acts out there.
And besides, why SHOULD sex be 'special'? Do you have people not wanting to play soccer too much because it would no longer be 'special'? If you like having sex, it will be special. Geez.
BESIDES,
Having sex with more than one person has, in my (addmittedly limited) experience, made it more special as you can appreciate the differences in the sexual ouvres of each person and come to understand what it is about sex with a particular partner that is really worth it. It makes you realise the difference between having sex with someone you've met recently and enjoy spending time with and want to get to know better compared with having sex with someone you've been with for a number of years and love very much and already know super well. The contrast between the delight in finding out what turns a new partner on and the comfort and security in knowing you know exactly how to drive an old partner crazy. That's why I'm loving polyamory. That's why I love being a slut. That is why the sentence I quoted is a crock of shit.
But hell, to each their own, right? I just wanted to throw my opinion out there =D.
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