The things society lets us get away with

Yesterday I got to help out at a science fair as one of the judges. It was a pretty cool experience, ranging from seeing the kids who really didn't give a shit (as was to be expected) to the kids who had done awesome experiments and obviously put a lot of effort into their data and its presentation.

The highlight for me was a poster detailing one student's quest to find out how to store coke to prevent it going flat; refrigerated or not and with the lid on or not. As a heavy drinker of pepsi (I am trying to cut back, I swear!) I could really relate to this. Other honourable mentions include comparing different types of diet drink in how they react to mentos and the really dedicated group that grew three plants, feeding them monster energy drink, powerade (it's got electrolytes! they're what plants crave!), or water and measuring the plant height every day.

After the judging was over, the school invited us into the staff room for a cup of tea and a biscuit. I walked in, all smiles, and was greeted by a middle-aged teacher who was sitting at the table eating his lunch.

The following exchange occurs:

Him: You can't be an engineer! (smiling, joking way)
Me: Why? (expecting a comment about my age, funnily enough)
Him: You're a woman! Women are meant to be at home cooking dinner. (again, clearly a joke and meaning nothing by it)
Me: Dude, that's not funny, not even as a joke.

I am really proud of myself for saying something back, even if he got a little bit offended by my reaction. He made some justificationy comments like "I'm not a sexist, my sister in law is an engineer and when she was presenting to some businessmen in Dubai they mistook her for the tea lady and asked her to bring them coffee".

But seriously, you might think my reaction was a bit much, but imagine someone saying something like that to a black man. Doesn't that just horrify you and make you super uncomfortable, thinking about someone joking that a black engineer shouldn't be engineering but shining shoes or picking cotton or whatever the racism is?

Why the hell does our society let people make comments like that about women?

Oh, and the best thing? He was the home economics teacher.

Disengage!

I hate being in the closet.

Yeah, there's a polyamory closet. Parents, work colleagues, and friends don't necessarily take kindly to hearing their son's girlfriend has a guy on the side.

Me and Mr Wrong came out of the closet together around November 2011. This was pretty early into being poly; I made a post on the subject. In the intervening six months, my mother hasn't gotten more positive and isn't quite sure how she feels about us being engaged if we're not going to be "committed" to one another. (Being committed and being exclusive are, of course, two very different things!)

Mr Oldman sort-of-but-not-really came out to his Mum in January. He told her that his new girlfriend (me!) was dating someone else as well; in my mind, he communicated that I was casually dating two guys and would eventually "choose" one of them. He properly came out to his sister (in detail) more recently. He was speaking of coming out to his mother in more detail soon, which has made me really happy.

I hate the closet. I hate "being dishonest". Having dinner with Mr Oldman's parents while we were dating was really stressful for me - I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I keep on having to dance around the fact that I live with a guy I'm desperately in love with. Before I go to see them, I have to "disengage" - take off my ring. I don't like lying. I can't do it.

Strangely enough, I once encouraged Mr Wonderful to give the closet a go. He was having to choose between me and another girl, and was worried that the Other Girl's parents wouldn't approve of him having two girlfriends. I told him "the closet was invented for people like you" and pontificated on the benefits of introducing the Other Girl to his parents whilst keeping me his secret on the side. I think I proposed this partially because I knew the Other Girl wasn't poly inclined (so it would never happen), and I would have been okay with it because I wouldn't be the one lying to Mr Wonderful's parents. Plus, a stressful relationship filled with lies is better than no relationship at all.

Of course, Mr Wonderful hates lying even more than I do (he told me to swear never to tell his sister about us; within a fortnight he'd told her on his own), so it wasn't really an option for him.

But I really don't understand how so many poly people think the closet is acceptable in the long-term. I read about many triads who are outwardly a "couple" with a "roommate". Do these people really want to hide their loving, multiple-year relationships from the world? How can they do it, when I couldn't stand hiding my (at the time) ordinary, two-month relationship from my parents?

Platonic Sex

I found this in my archives and saw that I never posted it. Rather than let it linger, I think it should be published for the world to see.

This was written in February/March 2012.

This all remains pretty accurate. I never developed feelings for 3; I certainly give partial credit to the rules we made, though our desire to ensure that no feelings came of it probably had a greater impact.
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So, it turns out an FWB arrangement can work; at least for a little while.

It's still surprisingly early days. Because of things we won't get into, we've been physically intimate less than half a dozen times, so there's certainly a possibility that in a few months time there'll be another post that will make me eat these words.

I'm impressed by how well my brain is compartmentalising the arrangement. I was actually rather worried that it wouldn't; that the stories would be true and I'd begin to feel those pesky emotions I've heard so much about, but no.

I still fantasize sexually, of course. The object of my fantasy varies depending on the day and the act I'm fantasising about, and 3 is very much in the rotation. But I'm very detached, emotionally speaking. The feelings of romance and affection I feel for my boyfriends Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman are very strong when I think about them and especially so in sexual situations; not so with 3.

I remember once when I was waiting to see 3 for some planned intimacy. I remember worrying because I didn't feel like being intimate with him; I wasn't looking forward to it. I hoped that when the situation became sexual it would work out; and it did.

I don't quite know what I'm trying to say here. I guess it's that in a sexual context (in bed, undressed) I find 3 irressistable, but seeing him in a non-sexual context (even shirtless for swimming, say) does nothing for me.

I guess I'm just impressed my mind can be so detached from the whole thing. The media has always made it clear that such detachment is at best difficult and at worst impossible, but it's not been our experience.

I should also mention that the sex is very interesting because it's completely detached and platonic - we'll be hanging out as friends in bed, kissing and touching, laughing and joking, without any of the warm emotions that I have with Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman. I still have a great time with 3, but it's so very different.

I wish that I had words to describe it beyond "platonic", because apparently by definition the act of sex can't be "platonic" (which is defined as: Intimate and affectionate but not sexual.). But oh well - when I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.

Positive Tales: Coming Out

When I met Alice, she was presenting as male - the gender she was assigned at birth. She was a pretty cool lady, and I quickly found out that she identified as bigender and would sometimes wear women's clothing. I was fascinated because gender is something I'm really interested in and I'm always happy to learn and discuss things on that theme. I'd gotten a few inklings that maybe she was still questioning her gender issues from things she'd said.

Then the other day she came out on facebook, telling everyone she is a trans woman and letting everyone know her preferred name and politely saying "if you could start using my new name and pronouns, that would be nice, no rush, and I won't yell if you screw up because it's a big change".

Her post coming out has been "liked" by 60 people - about half her facebook friends (and given many people have a lot of distant fb friends who don't read posts, etc, I feel that is super cool). The post was full of messages of love and support from everyone.

Then we were at a party last night, and she showed up looking bitchin' in a dress and tights and one of those 3/4 jumper things that I could never pull off. She looked gorgeous - Mr Wrong actually whispered to me in all seirousness that she was the most attractive girl at the party.

The thing that really fucking warmed my heart though was that almost everyone there, a scant few days after the announcement, were using the name "Alice" and using the female pronouns. It was obviously a source of respectful, curious discussion but there were just as many people giving her speeches about how proud they are of her for coming out and all that sort of thing. If you were there you would have felt all the love and support emanating from the group of people for Alice. And that was pretty cool.

Today, Alice is going to come out to her parents. I hope it goes well, and if the last couple of days have been any indication I don't see why it wouldn't.

Don't imagine I'm too familiar

I was recently at the "Is Life Meaningless?" debate held between the UWA Christian Union and the UWA Atheist and Skeptic Society.

I'm going to completely gloss over the entire point of the debate to bring up something I noticed that I thought was interesting -

The two debaters were named Ben and Daniel. Most people who know Daniel are aware that he prefers not to be called "Dan".

However, Ben would always refer to him by that name. Every time he said "Dan" I sort of cringed a little.

The cynic in me wants to say that Ben wanted to look familiar or friendly towards Daniel by using the shortened form of the name, and the irony was that by using it he was showing anyone who knew Daniel that he barely knew Daniel at all.



Incidentally, Daniel has a far better blog than mine, so if you don't already read it please do. You can find it at http://goodreasonblog.blogspot.com.au/

Love and choice

Johnny Depp - if you really did say that - if only you knew. If only you knew.

Here's my take on it:

"Loving two people at the same time means there are two people  who will spend time with you, smile at you, and give you support; in turn, you can provide these things for two people you love."

Or, more snidely:

"If you love two of your children at the same time, put your first one up for adoption. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have wanted to have the second."

The State of the State's Freethought Clubs

Recently, I had the pleasure of joining the movers and shakers of WA's student clubs at a lovely dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant in Northbridge.

I am currently the co-ordinator for the university clubs in WA, so I tried to get the discussion going and make sure the clubs were able to support each other and share resources.

Here is what we found out:

UWA Atheist & Skeptic Society (UASS)
This is my former club and also, coincidentally, the oldest and most successful of WA's clubs. We have always enjoyed a good relationship with our Christian Union - even though we disagree on some fundamental issues, they've always treated us well and it's important to me that this relationship continue as, being a larger club, they have many resources that we don't. I made sure the vice president was aware of the good history that she's going to be trading on. They're planning on having a debate in the first four weeks of semester, but the exact format hasn't been agreed on.

We're also hoping to hold a skepticamp. It is being run mostly by people from the Perth Atheist/Skeptic community with some support from UASS members. UASS is able to provide the venue.

UASS is hoping to run a "Devangalisation" campaign, with a debaptism with unholy water. They're considering handing out a post de-baptism care package containing essentials for the seven deadly sins (e.g. a small mirror, a condom, chocolate...). Additionally, there are many myths about the bible and its contents that might be interesting to discuss in a formal talk.

The "Atheists in the cafe" meetings are going well and are well attended by first year students. The "Atheist in the tav" meetings are not as well attended by any stretch. This interested me because in the past the situation has been reversed.

UASS has two great poster guys (both named Daniel!) - should seek to provide these posters as a resource to other clubs. To discuss with FSA how to go about doing this.

Murdoch Atheist and Agnostic Students Society (MAASS)

MAASS has started in earnest this year and are looking to do a great job under their current unleadership; they've bought some badges from cafepress and are having success selling them. They have a stand every Thursday with about 5 regulars. Their relationship with their Christian Union is not as good as UASS; that's something they might want to work towards improving. They might have a debate with them in the future; if that's going to happen it might be a good idea to practice working through some more common arguments since the religious folk tend to have a lot of practice discussing and defending their beliefs.

ECU Atheist Society (EAS?)
Kylie is running a one man show more or less; she's hoping to advertise and attract more members to provide support etc. She's making connections with staff members - very useful.

Freethought Student Alliance
The FSA is offering mid year packs - all the WA clubs definitely want some! ECU is probably most in need though due to its lack of membership; at the same time, its lack of membership means it might not have anything it can DO with the pack.