Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A list of rules for a FWB arrangement

These rules were made on the 31st of October, 2011.

In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.

As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about

In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.

If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.

0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.

1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.

2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.

3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.

4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.

5.  Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.

6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.

7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.

8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)

9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.

10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.

11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.

12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.

13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.

14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.

15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.

16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.

17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.

N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.


  1. I've reread over this now that I'm in a position to be looking for FWBs myself, and they seem really strict. I know that they work for you, and that's fine, but I can't see myself with this kind of contract with someone. I guess having written rules avoids hurts feelings, but I guess a general sense of being nice to someone should (in most cases) be enough - particularly when jealousy is out of the picture.

    1. They aren't really all that strict as most of them are things that would be taken for granted and me and 3, or are the result of our mutual love for pedantry.

      However, I think things are now well and truly over with 3 - but perhaps that's another blog post for another time...

  2. "9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions."
    I only have real problem with this condoms are not 100% full proof, they can fail, and I am not just talking pregnancy but STD's. Which leads me to the next one.

    "15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers."
    I think everyone in all this needs to be informed. I am not saying give names, dates, count by count details. I am saying that all parties involved with either party should KNOW that they are having sex with others (yes they probably already do) but this is confirming it, and also the other party should always have the right to ask if that party knows if the ones their with (or even themselves) are clean and healthy.

    I have read alot of sites that state alot of things about rules or do's and do nots of fwb and many omit that part about asking that question. It should be manditory to ask it, and honestly that person (if they didn't think to find out) should either ask and if they have that doubt get checked out!!!
    STD's are not something to mess around with, and honestly if you are going to have rules, if your going to have do's and do not's then you need to also put this in as a must (not just unspoken or presumed) rule or do. I don't care if it's by verbal agreement or in an on paper contract.
    I have also read stories about people who never thought to check this out that they always assumed/presumed so and so was safe, but you don't know what their last fwb might have got and some STD's can take a while to develope, or sometimes they can be a carrier of it, it might show up in blood work but they can still transmit it. Error on the side of caution and please do not assume just cause a condom was used your safe (they can have unknown pin holes in them, or break) again it's not just your life you would be messing with it's the lives of any fwb or GF/BF's.

    I truely don't want to sound like I am preaching or telling you what to do, but in this day and age even as popular as fwb seems to have become the one thing in my opinion that should be the most popular overall is safety first for you and all involved. Peace to all.

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