Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Constitution (FWB rules), In Full, Unabridged

I notice that I'm getting a few google search queries for my "Rules for Friends with Benefits" posts which is more of a commentary of the rules than a proper, full, unabridged list of the final rules.

I remember creating the rules (or The Constitution, as it was dubbed by me and 3) after being disappointed at the lack of similar things available online - so here is our list of rules, in full, for posterity.

These rules are unlikely to change in the future as me and the FWB who helped write them are no longer FWBs. They were successful in that we didn't fall in love, and I found the rules helping me avoid thinking about him in a romantic way. However, our friendship has taken a hit as a result of everything - but that's a risk we knew we were taking when we started.

Note that both of us were polyamorous/open relationship type people, which is why there are lots of references to outside sex partners - I understand that lots of FWB arrangements are made temporarily with the intention of being broken off once one of the pair gets nookie elsewhere, so hopefully nobody is copying and pasting these rules, sending them to someone else, and not reading through them.


0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.

1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.

2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.

3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved esolved soon though.

4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.

5.  Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.

6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into
The Rambling Extrovert’s busy schedule) are an exception.

7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.

8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)

9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.

10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.

11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.

12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.

13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.

14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.

15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be  done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.

16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.

17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.

18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.

19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. The Rambling Extrovert is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.

20. [personal; omitted]

21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).

N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.


If you want a more blow-by-blow commentary of the rules, check out the following blog posts: - discussing the initial state of the rules - discussing the rules after revision - that revision is close to, but not identical to, the rules printed here

If you want a blow-by-blow commentary in a more sexual sense, you might like this post:

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