Online Dating

So many people have a negative attitude towards online dating and it astounds me. There's an impression that it means you're desperate, or can't find a date the "normal" way.

I remember when I came out to my Mum as polyamorous over a year ago. She was initially shocked, of course, and I was telling her about my boyfriend at the time, Mr Oldman. She asked me a couple of cursory questions about him and when she asked how we met I said on an online dating site. I could tell from her reaction that she was horrified! (Perhaps even moreso than she was about polyamory itself).

But what is the "normal" way to find new sweeties? Here is my very scientific list detailing how I've met each of my sweeties:

1. Mr First (51 weeks) - A long and rather cute story, but it ultimately results in me having met him through an acquaintance I met in class at uni. 
2. Mr Wrong (5 years, ongoing) - Met at a mutual friend's birthday party
3. Mr Oldman (8 months) - Online dating site
4. Mr Wonderful (8 months) - Convoluted, but here goes: I was looking for a roleplaying group and found contact details for one online, that guy referred me to Mr Wonderful, who I had coincidentally seen at Roller Derby training earlier that month
5. Mr Steak (1 month, ongoing) - Online dating site

So it looks like we've got 40% online dating, 40% meeting through friends, and 20% hobbies. Anecdotal experience is, of course, a terrible source for information, so I found some stats on snopes that was taken from a Harris Interactive Survey.

Turns out, 32% of couples meet through work or school, 30% through other people (friends/family/blind dates), 25% met in a public place (e.g. bar/coffee shop/neighbourhood) , and 6% met online (dating site/chat room).

The thought of meeting someone in a bar of coffee shop is really weird to me - probably as weird as online dating is to most. I imagine going to a bar specifically to find and pick up a sweetie, which would be out of character for me since I don't drink very often at all. Worse still, if you did, you barely have anything to go on about your potential date than whether you have chemistry and how they look and carry themselves in a social situation.

When online dating, I know if someone likes dogs or cats, smoker/non-smoker, how much they drink, if they do hard drugs, if they're into crystal healing, what they do for a living, how well they can communicate in the written word, and of course whether they're open to polyamorous relationships. Someone said that this takes the mystery out of the relationship, or the fun of finding out new things, but I disagree. Despite having a vast knowledge of Mr Steak's character thanks to his online dating profile, I still get to find out all sorts of things from meeting him in person. (e.g. he is fun to watch Survivor with, and he also dislikes Lord of the Rings!). It's just a lot of the initial screening process is taken care of for you. And I like that.

Relationships that can't last aren't such a problem in polyamory

Often, you see on dating advice columns or similar people asking for advice about their current relationships. They have a partner who they love a great deal and have a nice relationship with, but for some reason or other there's a point of incompatibility that, whilst small, is insurmountable. I often see this on reddit where a girl is childfree but her boyfriend wants kids, or a guy is fiscally responsible but his boyfriend throws money around on designer shoes, and many other examples.

In these situations, the sage dispensing their valuable advise will invariably say something along the lines of "You need to break up. I know it's going to be hard, I know you don't want to do this, but you can't stay together so it's best to get it over with."

This seems to stem in some way on the monogamous need to find "the one" - any time you're spending with this "dead end" partner is time you could be searching for "the one". In polyamory, you can date partners who "aren't marriage material" whilst still being able to date partners who are.

I can relate to this situation. Mr Wonderful is just such a partner; he's super important to me right now and my world revolves around him and I want to spend every minute I can snuggled into his shoulder, but I know on a deeper level that we're not compatible at this stage in our lives. (Maybe in 5 years that will change; who knows). I know that if I was monogamous, I would be seriously considering ending things with him because it would be the right long-term strategy so I could go find my prince charming.

But I am so, so happy that I'm not monogamous because I'm not ready to say goodbye to Mr Wonderful.

I might never be.

But I'm also not ready to marry him in the foreseeable future. And there's no problem with that.

Disengage!

I hate being in the closet.

Yeah, there's a polyamory closet. Parents, work colleagues, and friends don't necessarily take kindly to hearing their son's girlfriend has a guy on the side.

Me and Mr Wrong came out of the closet together around November 2011. This was pretty early into being poly; I made a post on the subject. In the intervening six months, my mother hasn't gotten more positive and isn't quite sure how she feels about us being engaged if we're not going to be "committed" to one another. (Being committed and being exclusive are, of course, two very different things!)

Mr Oldman sort-of-but-not-really came out to his Mum in January. He told her that his new girlfriend (me!) was dating someone else as well; in my mind, he communicated that I was casually dating two guys and would eventually "choose" one of them. He properly came out to his sister (in detail) more recently. He was speaking of coming out to his mother in more detail soon, which has made me really happy.

I hate the closet. I hate "being dishonest". Having dinner with Mr Oldman's parents while we were dating was really stressful for me - I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I keep on having to dance around the fact that I live with a guy I'm desperately in love with. Before I go to see them, I have to "disengage" - take off my ring. I don't like lying. I can't do it.

Strangely enough, I once encouraged Mr Wonderful to give the closet a go. He was having to choose between me and another girl, and was worried that the Other Girl's parents wouldn't approve of him having two girlfriends. I told him "the closet was invented for people like you" and pontificated on the benefits of introducing the Other Girl to his parents whilst keeping me his secret on the side. I think I proposed this partially because I knew the Other Girl wasn't poly inclined (so it would never happen), and I would have been okay with it because I wouldn't be the one lying to Mr Wonderful's parents. Plus, a stressful relationship filled with lies is better than no relationship at all.

Of course, Mr Wonderful hates lying even more than I do (he told me to swear never to tell his sister about us; within a fortnight he'd told her on his own), so it wasn't really an option for him.

But I really don't understand how so many poly people think the closet is acceptable in the long-term. I read about many triads who are outwardly a "couple" with a "roommate". Do these people really want to hide their loving, multiple-year relationships from the world? How can they do it, when I couldn't stand hiding my (at the time) ordinary, two-month relationship from my parents?

Love and choice

Johnny Depp - if you really did say that - if only you knew. If only you knew.

Here's my take on it:

"Loving two people at the same time means there are two people  who will spend time with you, smile at you, and give you support; in turn, you can provide these things for two people you love."

Or, more snidely:

"If you love two of your children at the same time, put your first one up for adoption. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have wanted to have the second."

A little poly-hack I figured out...

Recently, me and Mr Wonderful have been able to go to bed together on weeknights while Mr Wrong hung out with our roommate. (Understandably, Mr Wrong doesn't want to be left bored and lonely by himself so I can sleep with Mr Wonderful).

However, our roommate is moving out so no longer will Mr Wrong have company. This made me sad, as I was left with the choice of not bedding Mr Wonderful nearly as often as I would like (bad), or leaving Mr Wrong to be bored and perhaps a little uncomfortable at the noises he heard coming from a nearby bedroom (also bad).

So I came up with a nice workaround - to take advantage of the fact that I won't be able to seduce Mr Wonderful by teasing him on those days, but not going to bed with him. I let him know my plans in that regard, and his response was to express a desire to be so dashingly sexy that he would seduce me despite my plans.

It will make our planned "date night" so much more satisfying after that much build up, whilst keeping Mr Wrong from getting too lonely in the meantime. Win-win-win!

This has taught me to look for opportunities in the restrictions that polyamory inevitably puts on your love life.

The Broken Refrigerator

The broken refrigerator analogy is something that really spoke to me when I first read about it.

The analogy goes like this:

Imagine you have a refrigerator. One day, it stops working - you come home to find your ice-cream melted, your milk warm and smelly, and your vegetables wilted.

You have three options at the moment: you can figure out how to fix the refrigerator; you can throw it away and buy a new one; or, you can decide to keep it as it is but never buy any foods that need to be frozen or refrigerated.

The last option is patently ridiculous; and yet it is the one most people in the poly community seem to choose. That is, when someone feels jealousy at their partner doing a particular thing, they make a rule against the thing rather than trying to find the cause of the jealousy.

The article I linked to above goes into LOTS of detail explaining it, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't already read it and is interested in polyamory or open relationships.

I had an experience the other day that made me think back to the refrigerator analogy:

Miss Prism was joking to a female friend of hers, asking her if she wanted to have a threesome with herself and my beloved Mr Oldman. Watching this happen in front of me made me seethe with jealousy - I wanted to be part of such a threesome, thankyouverymuch! I wanted to provide Mr Oldman with an outlet for that stock straight male fantasy!

It got to the point where I was going to pull them both aside and tell them I wouldn't be comfortable with Mr Oldman having a threesome unless I got to be a part of it, even though I knew this proposition was a joke and the chances of the threesome happening were almost nil.

Then I thought about the refrigerator. Clearly, this hypothetical refrigerator of ours was broken and I was about to propose he stop buying frozen foods. Really, I should try and fix it instead.

I thought about Mr Oldman. I imagined the joy on his face if this hypothetical threesome were to occur, and immediately felt a little bit of compersion at the idea. I imagined how wonderful that day would be and who would I be to take that away from him!

Then I thought about why I was feeling jealousy - it's because I wanted to do something nice for my partner. I wanted to make him happy. And him having a threesome with two other women wouldn't infringe on that; in fact, my making a rule against it would have been the exact opposite of what I really wanted!

So, Miss Prism - if you can get that threesome for Mr Oldman.... go for it :)

Jealousy and Compersion

As far as polyamory goes, I have been really 'fortunate' you could say, in that in all my relationships I was effectively the sole girlfriend and so was never confronted with jealousy head on. Mr Oldman has a girlfriend, but she lives in a foreign country so it didn't really affect me on a day-to-day basis. I tried my best to get Mr Wrong a girlfriend, to be a good wingman, but it hasn't panned out... at least not yet!

Then, Mr Oldman went on a couple of dates with one of my good friends. For some reason I want to give this friend the nickname "Miss Prism" after the character from The Importance of Being Earnest. I know she'll object to this, but I like it.

When they were on their date, I was spending the evening feeling super excited, wanting to know how well it was going, trying to imagine what was happening. The next morning I eagerly texted them both for details, and then I found out that Mr Oldman and Miss Prism both had a most delightful evening.

I felt jealous. I hadn't felt it before - at least for a long time. It was like a small thing squeezing my heart. It felt weird. I knew that this sort of thing is common and expected, even in poly relationships, so I tried to set it aside.

A few days later, I was visiting Mr Oldman in Perth and I asked him to tell me how the date went in detail. He gave me details from the dinner he cooked for Miss Prism, and even included some of the more saucy ones. As he told me the story of their date, that little squeezing feeling of jealousy evaporated so very quickly. Instead of it being an abstract feeling that he slept with somebody else, instead I had this beautiful feeling that he had this wonderful date with a great person. I had compersion in a big way. Let me be the first to say that compersion is AMAZING, almost on the level of new relationship energy. And the more details I was given, the stronger this feeling was.

I know details aren't for everyone. Mr Wrong hates me going into sexy details, but I think that's because I talk about my sex life so much that he knows he's going to hear me telling 3 or one of my other friends about it in short order anyway. But hearing Mr Oldman's sexy details made me feel so happy that I was glad he was willing to share :).

"Relationship Anarchy"

Several months ago, I heard a term called "relationship anarchy". At the time, I understood it to mean a different way of looking at relationships than "boyfriend", "husband", "best friend", "sister", "fwb" and so on. Instead, you have a relationship with everyone you know, and each relationship is unique with its own properties and levels of physical and emotional intimacy and committment don't necessarily map to one another in the 'traditional' sense.

Here's a couple of examples of the other sorts of relationships you might have:

• Someone who you sometimes kiss
• Someone you share all of your deepest, darkest secrets and ask for advice all the time, but have no physical relationship with.
• Someone you're in love with, never kiss, but sometimes go to bed with when you're both tipsy

I'm sure these are pretty poor examples - but the idea, at least as I understood it (and I may be understanding it wrongly), is that each relationship is a seperate entity and the standards for one do not affect the standards for the other, and labels like "boyfriend" have no meaning.

It's an interesting attitude to take when entering a new relationship - I asked my new squeeze, Mr Wonderful, out, and in response he said he didn't feel comfortable dating me but would be happy to be my FWB. We exchanged more information/ideas/impressions/expectations and realised that we both wanted the same things from one another, only I wanted to call it a romantic relationship and he wanted to call it an FWB arrangement. Neither term really described it adequately, so at the moment we're just not labelling it at all.

At the moment, the FWB label seems to fit better of the two but only marginally, and I'm convinced this is because our relationship is very physical at the moment because it's still such early days. Things with Mr Wonderful definitely feel different than things with 3. I think in the future other labels will get closer to describing it, and who knows, maybe one will stick.

But for now, there's not really any good way to describe our relationship other than Facebook's "It's Complicated".

This is really cool. It's really freeing.

New Relationship Energy and Rules

My secondary (how I loathe the term) boyfriend, Mr Oldman, has recently started being involved with a new girl. As a result, he's feeling this wonderful feeling that we in polyamory circles like to call "New Relationship Energy (NRE)". It's that feeling you get when you first get together with somebody, where you're checking your phone constantly for messages, thinking about them all the time and smiling to yourself, and unable to think about anything else and not wanting to.

(Aside: I, too, am at the beginning of a new relationship, so the two of us are both enjoying NRE for the first time since we began dating in September. This shit's addictive!)

Some background:  Mr Oldman and I are in a "medium distance" relationship. We live about two hours apart, and I see him most weekends. As a result, when I see him I get all excited and like to spend as much time as possible with him.

However, on a recent visit to see  Mr Oldman, he asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night with the new girl rather than me. I could relate to this because I was wanting to see my new squeeze as well, plus, I'd just recently heard  Mr Oldman talk about the wonderful night he'd spent with the new girl recently, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear about it, so who was I to refuse? And so they spent what I'm sure was another wonderful night together, and I stayed with my primary. (For the record, the following day my primary left me and my new beau alone for several hours, so I benefitted from a similar sort of arrangement).


The next day, the three of us (primary [Mr Wrong], secondary [Mr Oldman], myself) all went out for breakfast.  Mr Oldman  felt bad for blowing me off, but I legitimately understood perfectly the reasoning behind it. When you can't stop thinking about someone, it's kind of hard to pass up an opportunity to spend time with them. The feeling of NRE only lasts a couple of months at most, so it's important to take advantage of it while it exists. I told him as much.

Now, here is the part that I found really interesting: he said to me, "Let's make a rule that if you're visiting me, I have to spend time with you and not other people."

I gave him a look and said, "That's stupid. Let's make a rule that says 'do whatever you want (as long as it's not unfair)'. Most of the time, you're going to want to be with me on my visits; and times you don't want to be with me will be times you'd probably ask for an exception to be made to the rule anyway (you know, times like last night). So this would have the same effect but without any room for guilt tripping."

He agreed.

What makes a primary or a secondary?

In polyamory circles, people refer to "primary", "secondary", and even sometimes "tertiary" partners. Usually, a 'primary' is the person you've been dating the longest, though it's not uncommon for people to refer to having two primaries (usually someone who lives with both of them), and sometimes people who have recently broken up with a primary and are only pursuing more casual relationships with existing or new secondaries refer to to "being one's own primary".

So I thought it might be interesting to post my own take on the distictions - I am sure anyone who reads this will know that this tiny blog does not begin to speak for the poly community.

I think two people become primaries when they begin thinking about living their lives together (you know, the part of the relationship where you both know that if one of you proposes the other will say 'yes', but nobody's gotten down on one knee yet), which, according to hollywood and soap operas, more or less correlates with the 'moving in together' sort of stage.

I think that even monogamous people do this - they start out as secondaries, and then become primaries later on down the road. Just as you go from 'dating' to 'exclusive', a further step is taken where you become what I would call 'primaries'.

This meshes well with the way that poly people often seem to use "primary" and "secondary" - one's primary partner/s are those one lives with, has a family with, (possibly) raises children with, etc, whilst ones secondary/s tend to be in the "dating" spectrum somewhere.

I know there are many poly people who refer to having, say, a primary of 8 months and a secondary of 2 months; in my mind, depending on the seriousness of both relationships, they'd both fit more to what I feel a "secondary" might be to me.

I also feel like I should mention that I object to the implicit hierachy present in the terms "primary" and "secondary". Lots of people seem to use "SO" and "OSO" (significant other and other significant other), which I think is quite a bit nicer. SO and OSO seem to roughly correspond to the terms 'primary' and 'secondary', but in my opinion seem to be a little bit, well, fairer!

Nobody's Business, Really?

I came out as poly to my Mum yesterday.

It went much better than I'm sure it goes for many of us, but worse than it did coming out to Mr Wrong's parents.

However, I've seen a theme in these "coming out" events that has bothered me a lot.

In both cases, we were told that this whole polyamory thing is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about your private lives".

I think this is complete bullshit. I could understand if it was a friend with benefits sort of arrangement, or if me and Mr Wrong were swingers - but we're not. Just because something makes someone uncomfortable, doesn't mean that they should be protected from ever encountering it.

If I was a monogamous lesbian and my mother told me that my sexuality is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about my private life", I think that notion would offend a lot of people - doubly so if she said she wasn't interested in meeting my girlfriend, or didn't think my Dad should know she existed, or even that I was a lesbian at all!

I mean, if I were single and began dating Mr Oldman, my parents could both be reasonably expected to meet him, to hear about the progress of our relationship (you know, "I went on a date with that new boy of mine today! He took me to the park and we fed the ducks!", nothing risque), to comfort me in the event of a heartbreak, and so on. The hardest thing about being poly was when I saw Mum the next morning after a particularly enjoyable date with Mr Oldman, and she asked me how I was going, and I wanted to tell her that I was seeing this new guy and he was very sweet and making me happy and all the rest of it, but instead I had to sheepishly reply "good".

I understand that in modern society, people aren't as open minded as we'd like and that, yes, there are many lesbians who have to keep it a secret from their parents, and I do agree that telling my Dad would be a bad idea. But that doesn't mean it's okay that we have to keep these parts of our lives secret.

In more personal news,  my Mum specifically said that if my new boyfriend  Mr Oldman were to be at my house for a party along with a bunch of other friends, it would be 'innapropriate' for me to hold his hand. That just pisses me off. She also called him a "friend with benefits", which amused me to no end given I already have one of those in Number 3 and it's a very different dynamic than the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I didn't tell her of Number 3's existence, though, lest she think I've further sunk into the depths of depravity.

She also thinks that polyamory amounts to the first step in me and Mr Wrongs's inevitable breakup. But oh well, I guess I'm going to prove her wrong.

And to her credit, she said it would be OK to come out to Dad after I was in a more long-term secondary relationship - she put one year as her litmus test, and hey, I fully expect to have held down a secondary boy or girlfriend for that period of time at some point in the next five years.

Another Poly Rant

Much like my partner Mr Wrong did recently, I put a notice up on facebook outing myself as poly and explaining, roughly, what the idea was.

A good guy posted some very interesting comments. He's the sort of person who has a lot to say about things and doesn't quite understand what this whole romance thing is, and he always has a cool perspective.

He makes some good, interesting and probably quite valid points. In the spirit of examining the arguments, I want to go through what he's said and give rebuttals or something.  Yes, this blog should be renamed to "The Rambling Extrovert Defends Polyamory". I hope the guy who posts it never sees this, or if he does, doesn't take offense to it. 

It's hard enough with two people making sure that both people feel about the same level of attraction and commitment to the relationship and you don't get an imbalance of one person putting more in than another, but how much moreso if you're trying to mediate between three people and make sure that you don't get two people becoming too close to the exclusion of the third.

This relies on a couple of assumptions:
a) Every relationship you have must be equal
b) Mediation is a bad thing

Let's go through these assumptions...

Every relationship you have must be equal
Let's go through my entire relationship history in chronological order:
- A guy I went out on one very awkward date with in high school (we saw I, Robot)
- A guy I dated for a year but didn't fall in love with
- My current partner, Mr Wrong, who I've been dating nearly 4 years and love very much
- My new boyfriend, Mr Oldman, who I've been dating just over a month


Now, these relationships are clearly not equal - I'd leave it to the reader to rank them. 


Does it matter that some of them overlap chronologically, and some of them don't?


Mediation is a Bad Thing
The cornerstone of polyamory is about communicating to your partners what you're thinking and feeling - my friend implied a hypothetical situation in which, say, I started spending too much time with Mr Oldman and Mr Wrong started feeling left out. And that could happen - in fact, it did! 

I had to go away for a week, and I'd made plans to spend the day I got home with Mr Wrong and the following evening with  Mr Oldman. Mr Wrong told me he felt a bit uneasy that I wanted to see Mr Oldman on my second night back rather than him; but we discussed it and I explained that I missed both of them very much, and that I wanted to make the most of the New Relationship Energy that I was feeling when I was with Mr Oldman. 


Further discussions with P led me to be more careful about when I scheduled things - now I do my best to schedule my dates with Mr Oldman so that they happen on nights when Mr Wrong is out at concerts or otherwise busy - which also gives me the extra bonus of being able to use any concerts Mr Wrong is attending as an excuse to spend time with Mr Oldman, leading to me potentially seeing more of him than I otherwise would and Mr Wrong still being comfortable with it! Fuck yeah!


EDIT: The main thing I meant to include in this section, but for some reason forgot to, was that in a monogamous relationship a LOT of mediation is going on, or should be. For example, Mr Wrong was once a little annoyed I wanted to spend time alone rather than with him, and we discussed it and worked out an agreement. The same thing happens with the poly issues above, and it will likely get us more into the habit of discussing non-poly sources of conflict/rejection and improve our communication skills.

From a less mathematical objective perspective and from a more emotional personal perspective, to me I simply can't understand the idea, it seems to undermine the very point of having a relationship.

"The very point of having a relationship"? For me, the point of having a relationship is companionship, friendship, support, love, and (of course!) sex. Having multiple relationships will only increase the amount of those things you get. Fuck yeah!

I can only assume that you feel things like love, attachment and jealousy in a completely foreign way to me. I don't think there's anything morally *wrong* with what you're doing, of course, but I think that for most people it would be psychologically unhealthy. I know this sounds harsh, but the only conclusion I can come up with is that sex, love and relationships mean nothing to you. :/

What do we call that, when you can only imagine something happening one way so that must be the way it is? Argument from ignorance? And I do feel jealousy! But you need to identify it's there and think about your reasons for feeling it and then 'get over it', through thinking or just discussion with your partners.


And I hope I feel love the same way everyone else does, because it KICKS ARSE :)

On being a slut

Let me get something out of the way: The Rambling Extrovert is a blog for ranting, and here comes a rant.

"If you have sex with too many people, it's no longer special."

 Somebody said that to me today, and with the most noble intentions.

To be honest, I think that sentence is a crock of shit. I don't think a single part of it is true. I kind of want to go through each individual word and say why it's bullshit, but there's not much I can say about the word "if". This is all going to be rather nit-picking, but that's the idea.

So I'll do a (mostly) piecewise attack on the sentence, and let me know if there's an assumption or point it makes that I haven't addressed or tackled or whatever.

So, in order:

"Have sex with"
What exactly does it mean to 'have sex'? The underlying assumption of the quote is the good old "penis in vagina" sort of biblically-sanctified husband-and-wife sort of thing, but that is not what sex truly is. Yes, we'll be splitting hairs about definitions but that's what I'm doing. To some extent, sex is everything you do with someone you are attracted to. From kissing, to holding hands, to threesomes, even to what you commonly think of as "sex" - it's all part of the same thing, the same wonderful part of life that involves you and another person exploring one another's body sexually. There are gay male couples who do not have anal sex but refer to their blowjob/jack-off/etc filled bedroom life as "sex". There's no reason to be attached to the penis/vagina interaction as something different from everything most people do to each other before that hole gets plugged.

"too many people"
I'm sorry, what? Too many people? What is too many people? If you asked a version of me from a past (catholic) life, I would have said "anyone other than my future husband". Other people might be able to give a number, but it varies depending on the person. And you know what? It's bullshit, too. Is there a limit on the number of people one can kiss in their lifetime? Hold hands with? Be friends with? Smile at?  I guess I could imagine having sex with "too many" people as having sex with so many people that one's vagina ends up being rubbed raw, but even that one could accomplish by having sex with one or two people enough times in quick succession... so I'm not sure.

"no longer special"
What the hell does 'special' mean? Is the penis-in-vagina sex that people have special, really? I would be the first to say that it's a lot of fun, and yes, sure, it gets you more connected to your sex partner, but I wouldn't say it was any more dramatic than any other of the multitude of sex or romance acts out there.

And besides, why SHOULD sex be 'special'? Do you have people not wanting to play soccer too much because it would no longer be 'special'? If you like having sex, it will be special. Geez.

BESIDES,
Having sex with more than one person has, in my (addmittedly limited) experience, made it more special as you can appreciate the differences in the sexual ouvres of each person and come to understand what it is about sex with a particular partner that is really worth it. It makes you realise the difference between having sex with someone you've met recently and enjoy spending time with and want to get to know better compared with having sex with someone you've been with for a number of years and love very much and already know super well. The contrast between the delight in finding out what turns a new partner on and the comfort and security in knowing you know exactly how to drive an old partner crazy. That's why I'm loving polyamory. That's why I love being a slut. That is why the sentence I quoted is a crock of shit.

But hell, to each their own, right? I just wanted to throw my opinion out there =D.