Recently, me and Mr Wonderful have been able to go to bed together on weeknights while Mr Wrong hung out with our roommate. (Understandably, Mr Wrong doesn't want to be left bored and lonely by himself so I can sleep with Mr Wonderful).
However, our roommate is moving out so no longer will Mr Wrong have company. This made me sad, as I was left with the choice of not bedding Mr Wonderful nearly as often as I would like (bad), or leaving Mr Wrong to be bored and perhaps a little uncomfortable at the noises he heard coming from a nearby bedroom (also bad).
So I came up with a nice workaround - to take advantage of the fact that I won't be able to seduce Mr Wonderful by teasing him on those days, but not going to bed with him. I let him know my plans in that regard, and his response was to express a desire to be so dashingly sexy that he would seduce me despite my plans.
It will make our planned "date night" so much more satisfying after that much build up, whilst keeping Mr Wrong from getting too lonely in the meantime. Win-win-win!
This has taught me to look for opportunities in the restrictions that polyamory inevitably puts on your love life.
Showing posts with label mr wrong. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mr wrong. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
101 Reasons to Be Abstinent
On facebook, I found a reference to a pamphlet entitled "101 reasons to be abstinent" and I managed to track it down and find an online copy of the majority of the pamphlet. It was... interesting to say the least.
I felt like it deserved a thorough response (OK, rant...), so here we go.
60 is a LOT of reasons, though. I didn't even realise. Thank fuck I don't have the full 101 to contend with. So my coverage gets a lot less in-depth as time goes on, since my other option was to break it down into posts with sets of 10, or organise them by category, and I'm not sure if people are actually all that concerned about these things.
I felt like it deserved a thorough response (OK, rant...), so here we go.
60 is a LOT of reasons, though. I didn't even realise. Thank fuck I don't have the full 101 to contend with. So my coverage gets a lot less in-depth as time goes on, since my other option was to break it down into posts with sets of 10, or organise them by category, and I'm not sure if people are actually all that concerned about these things.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
A Modest Proposal §2
For some reason, I was in a bad mood that night. Like, a really shitty mood. I was yelling and angry for no reason, bailed out on attending a party at the last minute, and all-around acted like a shitty girlfriend thanks, in no small part, to Mr Wrong deciding to get a kebab.
Yes, really. (Mr Wrong says: "To be fair, that was an awesome kebab").
All of a sudden, at the McDonald's in Innaloo, I realised that Mr Wrong puts up with bullshit like that from me far more often than he should, and far more patiently than he should. Again, things crystallised in my mind. I texted Mr Oldman and Miss Prism to let them know my plan - they both freaked out - and all of a sudden I was in a good mood.
I told Mr Wrong that we should take a walk together instead of going to the party. Went to Hillarys Marina. We went there a lot when we first started dating - in fact, our first date was held at a stall selling magnetic jewellery that we wanted to ask questions about. A fitting start to a skeptical powercouple, I guess?
I parked the car near a park and we sat on some swings and talked and hung out. Then we walked up the hill to a lookout.
 |
| The view from the lookout during the day. |
We sat on the table and Mr Wrong, ever the musician, started experimenting with the noises that the table made when he punched it. I started talking about the story Miss Prism told me about her breakup and it made me think about how much I need him in my life, and how I felt about him, and all the rest. I told him I loved him. And then I said those fateful words: "I guess what I'm trying to say is," (gets down on one knee, grabs his hands) "Will you marry me?"
An imperceptible pause and he says yes, professes his disbelief, and hugs and kisses follow. A bit of giggling too, I'd bet.
Then we walked down that dark, twisty path and I slipped on some gravel. I got right back up and more giggling was had. We held hands and hugged like the little schoolgirls we are.
 |
| The path to the lookout! Much scarier at night, much darker! ooooo, spooky! |
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Modest Proposal §1
On the 12th of May, 2012 at about 8pm I proposed to Mr Wrong.
He said yes. In fact, as I got down on one knee and held his hands, he gushed in surprise and delight and gave me a big hug.
But let me take you back a few months to when I made the decision to propose. I was talking to a friend who had recently gone through a breakup. She was telling me about how it felt (apparently: not very good!), and everything sort of fell into place in my mind and at that moment I realised what I needed to do.
The feeling that really sticks with me is when Mr Wrong is up in Perth studying, and I'm at home on my own. When I'm in bed reading, I'll sometimes hear a noise and I'll look to the door of the bedroom hoping he's coming to join me. The feeling of disappointment when I remember he's in Perth is really awful. It's to the point where I've stopped sleeping in our bedroom when he's not home, instead watching Project Runway on our fold out couch.
That feeling - that need to be with him - is what made me decide to do it. The feeling I get when I look at him. The way he smiles. How we've both grown and changed as people, but that we've grown together. The fact that, even after all this time, we still love spending time together.
As a couple, we knew we were going to be together forever from very early on - at about the one year mark. It just worked. We clicked right from the start like with nobody before or since. Our goals align. Our attitudes align.
We're perfect together.
So we're getting married :)
He said yes. In fact, as I got down on one knee and held his hands, he gushed in surprise and delight and gave me a big hug.
But let me take you back a few months to when I made the decision to propose. I was talking to a friend who had recently gone through a breakup. She was telling me about how it felt (apparently: not very good!), and everything sort of fell into place in my mind and at that moment I realised what I needed to do.
The feeling that really sticks with me is when Mr Wrong is up in Perth studying, and I'm at home on my own. When I'm in bed reading, I'll sometimes hear a noise and I'll look to the door of the bedroom hoping he's coming to join me. The feeling of disappointment when I remember he's in Perth is really awful. It's to the point where I've stopped sleeping in our bedroom when he's not home, instead watching Project Runway on our fold out couch.
That feeling - that need to be with him - is what made me decide to do it. The feeling I get when I look at him. The way he smiles. How we've both grown and changed as people, but that we've grown together. The fact that, even after all this time, we still love spending time together.
As a couple, we knew we were going to be together forever from very early on - at about the one year mark. It just worked. We clicked right from the start like with nobody before or since. Our goals align. Our attitudes align.
We're perfect together.
So we're getting married :)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
New Relationship Energy and Rules
My secondary (how I loathe the term) boyfriend, Mr Oldman, has recently started being involved with a new girl. As a result, he's feeling this wonderful feeling that we in polyamory circles like to call "New Relationship Energy (NRE)". It's that feeling you get when you first get together with somebody, where you're checking your phone constantly for messages, thinking about them all the time and smiling to yourself, and unable to think about anything else and not wanting to.
(Aside: I, too, am at the beginning of a new relationship, so the two of us are both enjoying NRE for the first time since we began dating in September. This shit's addictive!)
Some background: Mr Oldman and I are in a "medium distance" relationship. We live about two hours apart, and I see him most weekends. As a result, when I see him I get all excited and like to spend as much time as possible with him.
However, on a recent visit to see Mr Oldman, he asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night with the new girl rather than me. I could relate to this because I was wanting to see my new squeeze as well, plus, I'd just recently heard Mr Oldman talk about the wonderful night he'd spent with the new girl recently, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear about it, so who was I to refuse? And so they spent what I'm sure was another wonderful night together, and I stayed with my primary. (For the record, the following day my primary left me and my new beau alone for several hours, so I benefitted from a similar sort of arrangement).
The next day, the three of us (primary [Mr Wrong], secondary [Mr Oldman], myself) all went out for breakfast. Mr Oldman felt bad for blowing me off, but I legitimately understood perfectly the reasoning behind it. When you can't stop thinking about someone, it's kind of hard to pass up an opportunity to spend time with them. The feeling of NRE only lasts a couple of months at most, so it's important to take advantage of it while it exists. I told him as much.
Now, here is the part that I found really interesting: he said to me, "Let's make a rule that if you're visiting me, I have to spend time with you and not other people."
I gave him a look and said, "That's stupid. Let's make a rule that says 'do whatever you want (as long as it's not unfair)'. Most of the time, you're going to want to be with me on my visits; and times you don't want to be with me will be times you'd probably ask for an exception to be made to the rule anyway (you know, times like last night). So this would have the same effect but without any room for guilt tripping."
He agreed.
(Aside: I, too, am at the beginning of a new relationship, so the two of us are both enjoying NRE for the first time since we began dating in September. This shit's addictive!)
Some background: Mr Oldman and I are in a "medium distance" relationship. We live about two hours apart, and I see him most weekends. As a result, when I see him I get all excited and like to spend as much time as possible with him.
However, on a recent visit to see Mr Oldman, he asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night with the new girl rather than me. I could relate to this because I was wanting to see my new squeeze as well, plus, I'd just recently heard Mr Oldman talk about the wonderful night he'd spent with the new girl recently, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear about it, so who was I to refuse? And so they spent what I'm sure was another wonderful night together, and I stayed with my primary. (For the record, the following day my primary left me and my new beau alone for several hours, so I benefitted from a similar sort of arrangement).
The next day, the three of us (primary [Mr Wrong], secondary [Mr Oldman], myself) all went out for breakfast. Mr Oldman felt bad for blowing me off, but I legitimately understood perfectly the reasoning behind it. When you can't stop thinking about someone, it's kind of hard to pass up an opportunity to spend time with them. The feeling of NRE only lasts a couple of months at most, so it's important to take advantage of it while it exists. I told him as much.
Now, here is the part that I found really interesting: he said to me, "Let's make a rule that if you're visiting me, I have to spend time with you and not other people."
I gave him a look and said, "That's stupid. Let's make a rule that says 'do whatever you want (as long as it's not unfair)'. Most of the time, you're going to want to be with me on my visits; and times you don't want to be with me will be times you'd probably ask for an exception to be made to the rule anyway (you know, times like last night). So this would have the same effect but without any room for guilt tripping."
He agreed.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Nobody's Business, Really?
I came out as poly to my Mum yesterday.
It went much better than I'm sure it goes for many of us, but worse than it did coming out to Mr Wrong's parents.
However, I've seen a theme in these "coming out" events that has bothered me a lot.
In both cases, we were told that this whole polyamory thing is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about your private lives".
I think this is complete bullshit. I could understand if it was a friend with benefits sort of arrangement, or if me and Mr Wrong were swingers - but we're not. Just because something makes someone uncomfortable, doesn't mean that they should be protected from ever encountering it.
If I was a monogamous lesbian and my mother told me that my sexuality is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about my private life", I think that notion would offend a lot of people - doubly so if she said she wasn't interested in meeting my girlfriend, or didn't think my Dad should know she existed, or even that I was a lesbian at all!
I mean, if I were single and began dating Mr Oldman, my parents could both be reasonably expected to meet him, to hear about the progress of our relationship (you know, "I went on a date with that new boy of mine today! He took me to the park and we fed the ducks!", nothing risque), to comfort me in the event of a heartbreak, and so on. The hardest thing about being poly was when I saw Mum the next morning after a particularly enjoyable date with Mr Oldman, and she asked me how I was going, and I wanted to tell her that I was seeing this new guy and he was very sweet and making me happy and all the rest of it, but instead I had to sheepishly reply "good".
I understand that in modern society, people aren't as open minded as we'd like and that, yes, there are many lesbians who have to keep it a secret from their parents, and I do agree that telling my Dad would be a bad idea. But that doesn't mean it's okay that we have to keep these parts of our lives secret.
In more personal news, my Mum specifically said that if my new boyfriend Mr Oldman were to be at my house for a party along with a bunch of other friends, it would be 'innapropriate' for me to hold his hand. That just pisses me off. She also called him a "friend with benefits", which amused me to no end given I already have one of those in Number 3 and it's a very different dynamic than the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I didn't tell her of Number 3's existence, though, lest she think I've further sunk into the depths of depravity.
She also thinks that polyamory amounts to the first step in me and Mr Wrongs's inevitable breakup. But oh well, I guess I'm going to prove her wrong.
And to her credit, she said it would be OK to come out to Dad after I was in a more long-term secondary relationship - she put one year as her litmus test, and hey, I fully expect to have held down a secondary boy or girlfriend for that period of time at some point in the next five years.
It went much better than I'm sure it goes for many of us, but worse than it did coming out to Mr Wrong's parents.
However, I've seen a theme in these "coming out" events that has bothered me a lot.
In both cases, we were told that this whole polyamory thing is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about your private lives".
I think this is complete bullshit. I could understand if it was a friend with benefits sort of arrangement, or if me and Mr Wrong were swingers - but we're not. Just because something makes someone uncomfortable, doesn't mean that they should be protected from ever encountering it.
If I was a monogamous lesbian and my mother told me that my sexuality is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about my private life", I think that notion would offend a lot of people - doubly so if she said she wasn't interested in meeting my girlfriend, or didn't think my Dad should know she existed, or even that I was a lesbian at all!
I mean, if I were single and began dating Mr Oldman, my parents could both be reasonably expected to meet him, to hear about the progress of our relationship (you know, "I went on a date with that new boy of mine today! He took me to the park and we fed the ducks!", nothing risque), to comfort me in the event of a heartbreak, and so on. The hardest thing about being poly was when I saw Mum the next morning after a particularly enjoyable date with Mr Oldman, and she asked me how I was going, and I wanted to tell her that I was seeing this new guy and he was very sweet and making me happy and all the rest of it, but instead I had to sheepishly reply "good".
I understand that in modern society, people aren't as open minded as we'd like and that, yes, there are many lesbians who have to keep it a secret from their parents, and I do agree that telling my Dad would be a bad idea. But that doesn't mean it's okay that we have to keep these parts of our lives secret.
In more personal news, my Mum specifically said that if my new boyfriend Mr Oldman were to be at my house for a party along with a bunch of other friends, it would be 'innapropriate' for me to hold his hand. That just pisses me off. She also called him a "friend with benefits", which amused me to no end given I already have one of those in Number 3 and it's a very different dynamic than the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I didn't tell her of Number 3's existence, though, lest she think I've further sunk into the depths of depravity.
She also thinks that polyamory amounts to the first step in me and Mr Wrongs's inevitable breakup. But oh well, I guess I'm going to prove her wrong.
And to her credit, she said it would be OK to come out to Dad after I was in a more long-term secondary relationship - she put one year as her litmus test, and hey, I fully expect to have held down a secondary boy or girlfriend for that period of time at some point in the next five years.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Another Poly Rant
Much like my partner Mr Wrong did recently, I put a notice up on facebook outing myself as poly and explaining, roughly, what the idea was.
A good guy posted some very interesting comments. He's the sort of person who has a lot to say about things and doesn't quite understand what this whole romance thing is, and he always has a cool perspective.
He makes some good, interesting and probably quite valid points. In the spirit of examining the arguments, I want to go through what he's said and give rebuttals or something. Yes, this blog should be renamed to "The Rambling Extrovert Defends Polyamory". I hope the guy who posts it never sees this, or if he does, doesn't take offense to it.
This relies on a couple of assumptions:
a) Every relationship you have must be equal
b) Mediation is a bad thing
Let's go through these assumptions...
Every relationship you have must be equal
Let's go through my entire relationship history in chronological order:
- A guy I went out on one very awkward date with in high school (we saw I, Robot)
- A guy I dated for a year but didn't fall in love with
- My current partner, Mr Wrong, who I've been dating nearly 4 years and love very much
- My new boyfriend, Mr Oldman, who I've been dating just over a month
Now, these relationships are clearly not equal - I'd leave it to the reader to rank them.
Does it matter that some of them overlap chronologically, and some of them don't?
Mediation is a Bad Thing
The cornerstone of polyamory is about communicating to your partners what you're thinking and feeling - my friend implied a hypothetical situation in which, say, I started spending too much time with Mr Oldman and Mr Wrong started feeling left out. And that could happen - in fact, it did!
I had to go away for a week, and I'd made plans to spend the day I got home with Mr Wrong and the following evening with Mr Oldman. Mr Wrong told me he felt a bit uneasy that I wanted to see Mr Oldman on my second night back rather than him; but we discussed it and I explained that I missed both of them very much, and that I wanted to make the most of the New Relationship Energy that I was feeling when I was with Mr Oldman.
Further discussions with P led me to be more careful about when I scheduled things - now I do my best to schedule my dates with Mr Oldman so that they happen on nights when Mr Wrong is out at concerts or otherwise busy - which also gives me the extra bonus of being able to use any concerts Mr Wrong is attending as an excuse to spend time with Mr Oldman, leading to me potentially seeing more of him than I otherwise would and Mr Wrong still being comfortable with it! Fuck yeah!
EDIT: The main thing I meant to include in this section, but for some reason forgot to, was that in a monogamous relationship a LOT of mediation is going on, or should be. For example, Mr Wrong was once a little annoyed I wanted to spend time alone rather than with him, and we discussed it and worked out an agreement. The same thing happens with the poly issues above, and it will likely get us more into the habit of discussing non-poly sources of conflict/rejection and improve our communication skills.
And I hope I feel love the same way everyone else does, because it KICKS ARSE :)
A good guy posted some very interesting comments. He's the sort of person who has a lot to say about things and doesn't quite understand what this whole romance thing is, and he always has a cool perspective.
He makes some good, interesting and probably quite valid points. In the spirit of examining the arguments, I want to go through what he's said and give rebuttals or something. Yes, this blog should be renamed to "The Rambling Extrovert Defends Polyamory". I hope the guy who posts it never sees this, or if he does, doesn't take offense to it.
It's hard enough with two people making sure that both people feel about the same level of attraction and commitment to the relationship and you don't get an imbalance of one person putting more in than another, but how much moreso if you're trying to mediate between three people and make sure that you don't get two people becoming too close to the exclusion of the third.
This relies on a couple of assumptions:
a) Every relationship you have must be equal
b) Mediation is a bad thing
Let's go through these assumptions...
Every relationship you have must be equal
Let's go through my entire relationship history in chronological order:
- A guy I went out on one very awkward date with in high school (we saw I, Robot)
- A guy I dated for a year but didn't fall in love with
- My current partner, Mr Wrong, who I've been dating nearly 4 years and love very much
- My new boyfriend, Mr Oldman, who I've been dating just over a month
Now, these relationships are clearly not equal - I'd leave it to the reader to rank them.
Does it matter that some of them overlap chronologically, and some of them don't?
Mediation is a Bad Thing
The cornerstone of polyamory is about communicating to your partners what you're thinking and feeling - my friend implied a hypothetical situation in which, say, I started spending too much time with Mr Oldman and Mr Wrong started feeling left out. And that could happen - in fact, it did!
I had to go away for a week, and I'd made plans to spend the day I got home with Mr Wrong and the following evening with Mr Oldman. Mr Wrong told me he felt a bit uneasy that I wanted to see Mr Oldman on my second night back rather than him; but we discussed it and I explained that I missed both of them very much, and that I wanted to make the most of the New Relationship Energy that I was feeling when I was with Mr Oldman.
Further discussions with P led me to be more careful about when I scheduled things - now I do my best to schedule my dates with Mr Oldman so that they happen on nights when Mr Wrong is out at concerts or otherwise busy - which also gives me the extra bonus of being able to use any concerts Mr Wrong is attending as an excuse to spend time with Mr Oldman, leading to me potentially seeing more of him than I otherwise would and Mr Wrong still being comfortable with it! Fuck yeah!
EDIT: The main thing I meant to include in this section, but for some reason forgot to, was that in a monogamous relationship a LOT of mediation is going on, or should be. For example, Mr Wrong was once a little annoyed I wanted to spend time alone rather than with him, and we discussed it and worked out an agreement. The same thing happens with the poly issues above, and it will likely get us more into the habit of discussing non-poly sources of conflict/rejection and improve our communication skills.
From a less mathematical objective perspective and from a more emotional personal perspective, to me I simply can't understand the idea, it seems to undermine the very point of having a relationship."The very point of having a relationship"? For me, the point of having a relationship is companionship, friendship, support, love, and (of course!) sex. Having multiple relationships will only increase the amount of those things you get. Fuck yeah!
I can only assume that you feel things like love, attachment and jealousy in a completely foreign way to me. I don't think there's anything morally *wrong* with what you're doing, of course, but I think that for most people it would be psychologically unhealthy. I know this sounds harsh, but the only conclusion I can come up with is that sex, love and relationships mean nothing to you. :/What do we call that, when you can only imagine something happening one way so that must be the way it is? Argument from ignorance? And I do feel jealousy! But you need to identify it's there and think about your reasons for feeling it and then 'get over it', through thinking or just discussion with your partners.
And I hope I feel love the same way everyone else does, because it KICKS ARSE :)
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