Disengage!

I hate being in the closet.

Yeah, there's a polyamory closet. Parents, work colleagues, and friends don't necessarily take kindly to hearing their son's girlfriend has a guy on the side.

Me and Mr Wrong came out of the closet together around November 2011. This was pretty early into being poly; I made a post on the subject. In the intervening six months, my mother hasn't gotten more positive and isn't quite sure how she feels about us being engaged if we're not going to be "committed" to one another. (Being committed and being exclusive are, of course, two very different things!)

Mr Oldman sort-of-but-not-really came out to his Mum in January. He told her that his new girlfriend (me!) was dating someone else as well; in my mind, he communicated that I was casually dating two guys and would eventually "choose" one of them. He properly came out to his sister (in detail) more recently. He was speaking of coming out to his mother in more detail soon, which has made me really happy.

I hate the closet. I hate "being dishonest". Having dinner with Mr Oldman's parents while we were dating was really stressful for me - I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I keep on having to dance around the fact that I live with a guy I'm desperately in love with. Before I go to see them, I have to "disengage" - take off my ring. I don't like lying. I can't do it.

Strangely enough, I once encouraged Mr Wonderful to give the closet a go. He was having to choose between me and another girl, and was worried that the Other Girl's parents wouldn't approve of him having two girlfriends. I told him "the closet was invented for people like you" and pontificated on the benefits of introducing the Other Girl to his parents whilst keeping me his secret on the side. I think I proposed this partially because I knew the Other Girl wasn't poly inclined (so it would never happen), and I would have been okay with it because I wouldn't be the one lying to Mr Wonderful's parents. Plus, a stressful relationship filled with lies is better than no relationship at all.

Of course, Mr Wonderful hates lying even more than I do (he told me to swear never to tell his sister about us; within a fortnight he'd told her on his own), so it wasn't really an option for him.

But I really don't understand how so many poly people think the closet is acceptable in the long-term. I read about many triads who are outwardly a "couple" with a "roommate". Do these people really want to hide their loving, multiple-year relationships from the world? How can they do it, when I couldn't stand hiding my (at the time) ordinary, two-month relationship from my parents?

Positive Tales: Coming Out

When I met Alice, she was presenting as male - the gender she was assigned at birth. She was a pretty cool lady, and I quickly found out that she identified as bigender and would sometimes wear women's clothing. I was fascinated because gender is something I'm really interested in and I'm always happy to learn and discuss things on that theme. I'd gotten a few inklings that maybe she was still questioning her gender issues from things she'd said.

Then the other day she came out on facebook, telling everyone she is a trans woman and letting everyone know her preferred name and politely saying "if you could start using my new name and pronouns, that would be nice, no rush, and I won't yell if you screw up because it's a big change".

Her post coming out has been "liked" by 60 people - about half her facebook friends (and given many people have a lot of distant fb friends who don't read posts, etc, I feel that is super cool). The post was full of messages of love and support from everyone.

Then we were at a party last night, and she showed up looking bitchin' in a dress and tights and one of those 3/4 jumper things that I could never pull off. She looked gorgeous - Mr Wrong actually whispered to me in all seirousness that she was the most attractive girl at the party.

The thing that really fucking warmed my heart though was that almost everyone there, a scant few days after the announcement, were using the name "Alice" and using the female pronouns. It was obviously a source of respectful, curious discussion but there were just as many people giving her speeches about how proud they are of her for coming out and all that sort of thing. If you were there you would have felt all the love and support emanating from the group of people for Alice. And that was pretty cool.

Today, Alice is going to come out to her parents. I hope it goes well, and if the last couple of days have been any indication I don't see why it wouldn't.