Friday, June 29, 2012

Steve Irons

Steve Irons, the liberal party member for Swan, is quoted as saying:

“Gay marriage supporters want us to rewrite the Bible.”

No, Steve: I don't want to rewrite the bible for its attitude towards gay marriage any more than I want to rewrite Heart of Darkness for its attitudes towards Africans.

You can keep your book with all the same words in it, honestly. I don't give a damn.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

New World of Darkness... IN SPACE!

I recently GMed a session of New World of Darkness... IN SPACE!

It was for a bunch of new friends and one old friend who I'd never GMed for before. I love GMing, I've run a couple of games, but being human I'm often doubting my abilities.

I'd been building this session up and talking about it a bit - mentioning it, saying it was fun, trying to organise a time for it to occur, etc. I was worried it wouldn't live up to the expectations. In fact, right beforehand, I was super nervous that nobody would enjoy it because there wouldn't be enough direction, it would stall, and I'd make a bad impression.

Strangely enough, when you're GMing, it's really easy to read a room and know whether your players are having a good time or not. It stalls when people aren't quite sure what to do, aren't attached to their characters, aren't attached to the story, too busy redditing or playing LoL to pay attention, whatever.

But sometimes, it works well and everyone is like a well-oiled machine. You can see people having fun, making quips, and getting into the story. This was one of those times - even though the characters were pre-made.

Here's what I learned:
  • The story really doesn't have to be complicated. It was a simple storyline, which made it easier because the players didn't have to keep track of much.
  • You can have tension/horror (cannibalism) and humour (everybody's dead, dave) in the same story and it can still work. 
  • In past games, when players got distracted on their laptops, I should have both been firmer with them and made a better effort to entertain them.
  • I'm better at improvising than I thought (and, being arrogant, I thought I was pretty good before).
  • Corollary: I come up with lots of ideas (space manatees!) DURING sessions. As such, re-running games with a fresh set of players is something I should do more often.
  • Given there were two NPCs I really should have spent 10 minutes making each of them a full character sheet.
  • It's important to accelerate things so that way the game can be finished before it's time for everyone to go home.
  • Players will often help with this.
After that experience I'm seriously considering running a new campaign of my own, perhaps a short one (say, 6 sessions) with some clear goals. Based on what I've learned, I'm also considering streamlining and re-running an old campaign (or at least reusing its premise). 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Triggering dysphoria

Dysphoria is a concept well-known in the trans* community; essentially, it's the feeling that your body is wrong and those primary or secondary sexual characteristics are not part of you. It's very unpleasant to say the least.

I'm a cis girl (meaning, at birth they assigned me the gender of "female" and I am cool with that), so I haven't had occaision to feel it properly or in the constant, background-levels way that trans* people must feel it weighing on them at times.

I think I've managed to cultivate a feeling of dysphoria once or twice for a few seconds at a time which has led me to perhaps have some tiny twinge of understanding of what trans folks must go through every day.

I imagined being a man. Not in the "Awesome I can pee standing up and get all the jobs and not have periods and get paid more for the same jobs!" sort of way; in the way where everyone looks at me and calls me "sir", where my self is inside a big, hairy male body and everyone sees this as 'me' and just... accepts it. Where you go shopping and you buy pants and a button up shirt or t-shirt. Where you have a flat, masculine chest and a penis. Imagine actually HAVING a penis. Something growing out of your crotch, all... soft and bulbous. Imagine having to touch it and use it each time you go to the bathroom. Really imagine it and bring these feelings to the forefront of your mind. Focus on them.

The other way I did it was by buying a chest binder (something many men wear to hide their breasts). The first time I wore it and dressed in men's clothing and looked in the mirror it felt so... wrong on a fundamental level.

If you really concentrate on it, the feeling is HORRIBLE. I won't pretend to know or guess whether it emulates the trans experience, but it can definitely affect you.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

101 Reasons to Be Abstinent

On facebook, I found a reference to a pamphlet entitled "101 reasons to be abstinent" and I managed to track it down and find an online copy of the majority of the pamphlet. It was... interesting to say the least.

I felt like it deserved a thorough response (OK, rant...), so here we go.

60 is a LOT of reasons, though. I didn't even realise. Thank fuck I don't have the full 101 to contend with. So my coverage gets a lot less in-depth as time goes on, since my other option was to break it down into posts with sets of 10, or organise them by category, and I'm not sure if people are actually all that concerned about these things.






Friday, June 15, 2012

Moving out of a small mental apartment

When you live in a tiny apartment, you get used to it and you don't notice how cramped and restricted you are when you don't have much space to move in.

When you move into a bigger house, or go into a huge room, you get this feeling of expansion and freedom.

I think my head may have been like that. It was all small and cramped but I didn't notice. Now all of a sudden, I feel like it's a big, open room.

And I wonder how I didn't notice how small and cramped it was earlier.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A Modest Proposal §2



For some reason, I was in a bad mood that night. Like, a really shitty mood. I was yelling and angry for no reason, bailed out on attending a party at the last minute, and all-around acted like a shitty girlfriend thanks, in no small part, to Mr Wrong deciding to get a kebab.

Yes, really. (Mr Wrong says: "To be fair, that was an awesome kebab").

All of a sudden, at the McDonald's in Innaloo, I realised that Mr Wrong puts up with bullshit like that from me far more often than he should, and far more patiently than he should. Again, things crystallised in my mind. I texted Mr Oldman and Miss Prism to let them know my plan - they both freaked out - and all of a sudden I was in a good mood.

I told Mr Wrong that we should take a walk together instead of going to the party. Went to Hillarys Marina. We went there a lot when we first started dating - in fact, our first date was held at a stall selling magnetic jewellery that we wanted to ask questions about. A fitting start to a skeptical powercouple, I guess?

I parked the car near a park and we sat on some swings and talked and hung out. Then we walked up the hill to a lookout.

The view from the lookout during the day. 
It has a nice view during the day, and it was on that very lookout that we kissed for the first time. I was super nervous at the time and couldn't stop giggling. This time, I was nervous but not giggling.

We sat on the table and Mr Wrong, ever the musician, started experimenting with the noises that the table made when he punched it. I started talking about the story Miss Prism told me about her breakup and it made me think about how much I need him in my life, and how I felt about him, and all the rest. I told him I loved him. And then I said those fateful words: "I guess what I'm trying to say is," (gets down on one knee, grabs his hands) "Will you marry me?"

An imperceptible pause and he says yes, professes his disbelief, and hugs and kisses follow. A bit of giggling too, I'd bet. 

Then we walked down that dark, twisty path and I slipped on some gravel. I got right back up and more giggling was had. We held hands and hugged like the little schoolgirls we are.


The path to the lookout! Much scarier at night, much darker! ooooo, spooky!
Then, Mr Wrong says "we should go to that party we skipped and tell everyone!" and I respond with a wholehearted "HELLS YES" and off we go for a 30 minute drive back to that party. We play some romantic music, including our song - Chloroform Girl by Polkadot Cadaver.


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Modest Proposal §1

On the 12th of May, 2012 at about 8pm I proposed to Mr Wrong.

He said yes. In fact, as I got down on one knee and held his hands, he gushed in surprise and delight and gave me a big hug.

But let me take you back a few months to when I made the decision to propose. I was talking to a friend who had recently gone through a breakup. She was telling me about how it felt (apparently: not very good!), and everything sort of fell into place in my mind and at that moment I realised what I needed to do.

The feeling that really sticks with me is when Mr Wrong is up in Perth studying, and I'm at home on my own. When I'm in bed reading, I'll sometimes hear a noise and I'll look to the door of the bedroom hoping he's coming to join me. The feeling of disappointment when I remember he's in Perth is really awful. It's to the point where I've stopped sleeping in our bedroom when he's not home, instead watching Project Runway on our fold out couch.

That feeling - that need to be with him - is what made me decide to do it. The feeling I get when I look at him. The way he smiles. How we've both grown and changed as people, but that we've grown together. The fact that, even after all this time, we still love spending time together.

As a couple, we knew we were going to be together forever from very early on - at about the one year mark. It just worked. We clicked right from the start like with nobody before or since. Our goals align. Our attitudes align.

We're perfect together.

So we're getting married :)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Constitution (FWB rules), In Full, Unabridged

I notice that I'm getting a few google search queries for my "Rules for Friends with Benefits" posts which is more of a commentary of the rules than a proper, full, unabridged list of the final rules.

I remember creating the rules (or The Constitution, as it was dubbed by me and 3) after being disappointed at the lack of similar things available online - so here is our list of rules, in full, for posterity.

These rules are unlikely to change in the future as me and the FWB who helped write them are no longer FWBs. They were successful in that we didn't fall in love, and I found the rules helping me avoid thinking about him in a romantic way. However, our friendship has taken a hit as a result of everything - but that's a risk we knew we were taking when we started.

Note that both of us were polyamorous/open relationship type people, which is why there are lots of references to outside sex partners - I understand that lots of FWB arrangements are made temporarily with the intention of being broken off once one of the pair gets nookie elsewhere, so hopefully nobody is copying and pasting these rules, sending them to someone else, and not reading through them.

***

0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.

1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.

2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.

3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved esolved soon though.


4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.

5.  Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.

6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into
The Rambling Extrovert’s busy schedule) are an exception.

7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.

8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)

9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.

10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.

11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.

12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.

13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.

14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.

15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be  done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.

 
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.

17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.

18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.

19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. The Rambling Extrovert is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.

20. [personal; omitted]


21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).

N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.


***


If you want a more blow-by-blow commentary of the rules, check out the following blog posts:

http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/list-of-rules-for-fwb-arrangement.html - discussing the initial state of the rules

http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/list-of-rules-for-fwb-relationship.html - discussing the rules after revision - that revision is close to, but not identical to, the rules printed here

If you want a blow-by-blow commentary in a more sexual sense, you might like this post: http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/friends-with-benefits.html

Friday, June 1, 2012

Who is Benefiting?

Well, me and 3 are no longer FWBs.

I've managed to put that down to three main things:

1. We were not sexually compatible
We talked a lot before we agreed to become FWBs and we realised were super compatible on paper. It turns out that being compatible on paper doesn't mean you're compatible in real life. And hell, we were even compatible all the way through third base. But the sex itself was dismal. It wasn't anyone's fault - it just didn't work out.

2. He did not want me as much as I wanted him
This part really is the sticking point. I pursued the guy for two months - he eventually came around. I wasn't terribly physically attracted to him, but that isn't something that matters to me. On the other hand, he BARELY found me attractive. I have short hair; he hates short hair. I was on the verge of being too fat for him (I'm 5'8", 70kg, so it was a reflection on his love for skinny girls than my size). If we were to have sex, I had to be the proactive one. I had to schedule an evening, make sure it fit in with him, and all the rest of it.

Mr Wonderful, on the other hand, is more than happy to go to bed with me whenever I want and makes passes at me with pleasing regularity. This contrast, not to mention my better sexual compatibility with Mr Wonderful, really opened my eyes to how things with 3 would be going if we actually should have been FWBs in the first place.

3. We liked the idea of being FWBs more than any other aspect of the arrangement
This is more the answer to "why didn't it end earlier?". We liked the idea of having FWBs. We liked the list of rules I linked to in an earlier post. We liked the attention. We especially liked being able to talk about it in front of other people and make them uncomfortable. But that's a stupid reason to continue a sexual relationship with someone.

Oh, and I was about as bad a person as it was possible to be in the way I ended it. I like to think I did it that way to put a wedge in between us that would prevent us from changing our minds; but in all honesty it was really because I'm a bitter person.