I found this in my archives and saw that I never posted it. Rather than let it linger, I think it should be published for the world to see.
This was written in February/March 2012.
This all remains pretty accurate. I never developed feelings for 3; I certainly give partial credit to the rules we made, though our desire to ensure that no feelings came of it probably had a greater impact.
------
So, it turns out an FWB arrangement can work; at least for a little while.
It's still surprisingly early days. Because of things we won't get into, we've been physically intimate less than half a dozen times, so there's certainly a possibility that in a few months time there'll be another post that will make me eat these words.
I'm impressed by how well my brain is compartmentalising the arrangement. I was actually rather worried that it wouldn't; that the stories would be true and I'd begin to feel those pesky emotions I've heard so much about, but no.
I still fantasize sexually, of course. The object of my fantasy varies depending on the day and the act I'm fantasising about, and 3 is very much in the rotation. But I'm very detached, emotionally speaking. The feelings of romance and affection I feel for my boyfriends Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman are very strong when I think about them and especially so in sexual situations; not so with 3.
I remember once when I was waiting to see 3 for some planned intimacy. I remember worrying because I didn't feel like being intimate with him; I wasn't looking forward to it. I hoped that when the situation became sexual it would work out; and it did.
I don't quite know what I'm trying to say here. I guess it's that in a sexual context (in bed, undressed) I find 3 irressistable, but seeing him in a non-sexual context (even shirtless for swimming, say) does nothing for me.
I guess I'm just impressed my mind can be so detached from the whole thing. The media has always made it clear that such detachment is at best difficult and at worst impossible, but it's not been our experience.
I should also mention that the sex is very interesting because it's completely detached and platonic - we'll be hanging out as friends in bed, kissing and touching, laughing and joking, without any of the warm emotions that I have with Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman. I still have a great time with 3, but it's so very different.
I wish that I had words to describe it beyond "platonic", because apparently by definition the act of sex can't be "platonic" (which is defined as: Intimate and affectionate but not sexual.). But oh well - when I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, September 10, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
101 Reasons to Be Abstinent
On facebook, I found a reference to a pamphlet entitled "101 reasons to be abstinent" and I managed to track it down and find an online copy of the majority of the pamphlet. It was... interesting to say the least.
I felt like it deserved a thorough response (OK, rant...), so here we go.
60 is a LOT of reasons, though. I didn't even realise. Thank fuck I don't have the full 101 to contend with. So my coverage gets a lot less in-depth as time goes on, since my other option was to break it down into posts with sets of 10, or organise them by category, and I'm not sure if people are actually all that concerned about these things.
I felt like it deserved a thorough response (OK, rant...), so here we go.
60 is a LOT of reasons, though. I didn't even realise. Thank fuck I don't have the full 101 to contend with. So my coverage gets a lot less in-depth as time goes on, since my other option was to break it down into posts with sets of 10, or organise them by category, and I'm not sure if people are actually all that concerned about these things.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Constitution (FWB rules), In Full, Unabridged
I notice that I'm getting a few google search queries for my "Rules for Friends with Benefits" posts which is more of a commentary of the rules than a proper, full, unabridged list of the final rules.
I remember creating the rules (or The Constitution, as it was dubbed by me and 3) after being disappointed at the lack of similar things available online - so here is our list of rules, in full, for posterity.
These rules are unlikely to change in the future as me and the FWB who helped write them are no longer FWBs. They were successful in that we didn't fall in love, and I found the rules helping me avoid thinking about him in a romantic way. However, our friendship has taken a hit as a result of everything - but that's a risk we knew we were taking when we started.
Note that both of us were polyamorous/open relationship type people, which is why there are lots of references to outside sex partners - I understand that lots of FWB arrangements are made temporarily with the intention of being broken off once one of the pair gets nookie elsewhere, so hopefully nobody is copying and pasting these rules, sending them to someone else, and not reading through them.
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved esolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into The Rambling Extrovert’s busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.
19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. The Rambling Extrovert is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.
20. [personal; omitted]
21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
If you want a more blow-by-blow commentary of the rules, check out the following blog posts:
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/list-of-rules-for-fwb-arrangement.html - discussing the initial state of the rules
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/list-of-rules-for-fwb-relationship.html - discussing the rules after revision - that revision is close to, but not identical to, the rules printed here
If you want a blow-by-blow commentary in a more sexual sense, you might like this post: http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/friends-with-benefits.html
I remember creating the rules (or The Constitution, as it was dubbed by me and 3) after being disappointed at the lack of similar things available online - so here is our list of rules, in full, for posterity.
These rules are unlikely to change in the future as me and the FWB who helped write them are no longer FWBs. They were successful in that we didn't fall in love, and I found the rules helping me avoid thinking about him in a romantic way. However, our friendship has taken a hit as a result of everything - but that's a risk we knew we were taking when we started.
Note that both of us were polyamorous/open relationship type people, which is why there are lots of references to outside sex partners - I understand that lots of FWB arrangements are made temporarily with the intention of being broken off once one of the pair gets nookie elsewhere, so hopefully nobody is copying and pasting these rules, sending them to someone else, and not reading through them.
***
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved esolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into The Rambling Extrovert’s busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.
19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. The Rambling Extrovert is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.
20. [personal; omitted]
21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
***
If you want a more blow-by-blow commentary of the rules, check out the following blog posts:
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/list-of-rules-for-fwb-arrangement.html - discussing the initial state of the rules
http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/list-of-rules-for-fwb-relationship.html - discussing the rules after revision - that revision is close to, but not identical to, the rules printed here
If you want a blow-by-blow commentary in a more sexual sense, you might like this post: http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/friends-with-benefits.html
Friday, June 1, 2012
Who is Benefiting?
Well, me and 3 are no longer FWBs.
I've managed to put that down to three main things:
1. We were not sexually compatible
We talked a lot before we agreed to become FWBs and we realised were super compatible on paper. It turns out that being compatible on paper doesn't mean you're compatible in real life. And hell, we were even compatible all the way through third base. But the sex itself was dismal. It wasn't anyone's fault - it just didn't work out.
2. He did not want me as much as I wanted him
This part really is the sticking point. I pursued the guy for two months - he eventually came around. I wasn't terribly physically attracted to him, but that isn't something that matters to me. On the other hand, he BARELY found me attractive. I have short hair; he hates short hair. I was on the verge of being too fat for him (I'm 5'8", 70kg, so it was a reflection on his love for skinny girls than my size). If we were to have sex, I had to be the proactive one. I had to schedule an evening, make sure it fit in with him, and all the rest of it.
Mr Wonderful, on the other hand, is more than happy to go to bed with me whenever I want and makes passes at me with pleasing regularity. This contrast, not to mention my better sexual compatibility with Mr Wonderful, really opened my eyes to how things with 3 would be going if we actually should have been FWBs in the first place.
3. We liked the idea of being FWBs more than any other aspect of the arrangement
This is more the answer to "why didn't it end earlier?". We liked the idea of having FWBs. We liked the list of rules I linked to in an earlier post. We liked the attention. We especially liked being able to talk about it in front of other people and make them uncomfortable. But that's a stupid reason to continue a sexual relationship with someone.
Oh, and I was about as bad a person as it was possible to be in the way I ended it. I like to think I did it that way to put a wedge in between us that would prevent us from changing our minds; but in all honesty it was really because I'm a bitter person.
I've managed to put that down to three main things:
1. We were not sexually compatible
We talked a lot before we agreed to become FWBs and we realised were super compatible on paper. It turns out that being compatible on paper doesn't mean you're compatible in real life. And hell, we were even compatible all the way through third base. But the sex itself was dismal. It wasn't anyone's fault - it just didn't work out.
2. He did not want me as much as I wanted him
This part really is the sticking point. I pursued the guy for two months - he eventually came around. I wasn't terribly physically attracted to him, but that isn't something that matters to me. On the other hand, he BARELY found me attractive. I have short hair; he hates short hair. I was on the verge of being too fat for him (I'm 5'8", 70kg, so it was a reflection on his love for skinny girls than my size). If we were to have sex, I had to be the proactive one. I had to schedule an evening, make sure it fit in with him, and all the rest of it.
Mr Wonderful, on the other hand, is more than happy to go to bed with me whenever I want and makes passes at me with pleasing regularity. This contrast, not to mention my better sexual compatibility with Mr Wonderful, really opened my eyes to how things with 3 would be going if we actually should have been FWBs in the first place.
3. We liked the idea of being FWBs more than any other aspect of the arrangement
This is more the answer to "why didn't it end earlier?". We liked the idea of having FWBs. We liked the list of rules I linked to in an earlier post. We liked the attention. We especially liked being able to talk about it in front of other people and make them uncomfortable. But that's a stupid reason to continue a sexual relationship with someone.
Oh, and I was about as bad a person as it was possible to be in the way I ended it. I like to think I did it that way to put a wedge in between us that would prevent us from changing our minds; but in all honesty it was really because I'm a bitter person.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
A List of Rules for an FWB relationship, revised
About two months ago I came up with some 'rules' for my relationship with 3, my FWB. We've since modified the rules somewhat and I feel the differences are worthy of discussion, particularly what lead us to decide to make these modifications.
I've decided not to publish the entire rule sheet in full in this document; instead, just the ones that have changed from the previous post have been published.
These rules are as of early Feburary 2011.
Comment: We have been very cautious about accidentally going on dates; we realised that the rule did not actually elaborate on what "counted" as a date, particularly because we would often eat together and hang out as friends prior to intimacy. We don't see any reason why this is a problem. This rule has been useful.
Comment: Ahaha! this rule has changed. The old rule said that there may be appropriate contexts for PDAs (Public Displays of Affections) between FWBs. This was my fault and my addition; I somehow thought that I might want to greet XY with kisses. I think the reason I had the attitude before was because it turns out 3 is a really great kisser and I wanted to potentially maximise my opportunities to experience this.
Comment: You'd be surprised at how often this came up. Admittedly, it kind of sucks not to be able to do favours for one another at the drop of a hat; but the benefit of this rule is that it allows favours to be performed in exchange for sex, if both parties are willing. Which can be a win-win situation at times.
Comment: For 3's privacy and I guess my own, we're keeping things under wraps. 3's identity is known only to very few people, and still fewer know that we are actually still intent on continuing this whole sexing one another up thing. I guess this blog post kind of puts a wrench in that. If somehow the entire world was informed of 3's identity, it wouldn't exactly ruin our lives.
I, of course, don't believe that these rules will magically stop me and 3 from falling in love and running away to Fiji together to set up a hot dog stand. However, it seems to be working so far and I very much like that my brain is used to seeing 3 in a unique way.
After all, our emotions and feelings for others are just the result of our brains doing their thing with various hormones being secreted having various effects. The more we try to spur our brains off of things that might lead to romantic feelings (which, when you get down to it, are just oxytocin or whatever the love hormone du jour is), the less chance this whole sex thing will have of going off the rails. I hope :)
I've decided not to publish the entire rule sheet in full in this document; instead, just the ones that have changed from the previous post have been published.
These rules are as of early Feburary 2011.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.
Comment: We have been very cautious about accidentally going on dates; we realised that the rule did not actually elaborate on what "counted" as a date, particularly because we would often eat together and hang out as friends prior to intimacy. We don't see any reason why this is a problem. This rule has been useful.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.
Comment: Ahaha! this rule has changed. The old rule said that there may be appropriate contexts for PDAs (Public Displays of Affections) between FWBs. This was my fault and my addition; I somehow thought that I might want to greet XY with kisses. I think the reason I had the attitude before was because it turns out 3 is a really great kisser and I wanted to potentially maximise my opportunities to experience this.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
Comment: You'd be surprised at how often this came up. Admittedly, it kind of sucks not to be able to do favours for one another at the drop of a hat; but the benefit of this rule is that it allows favours to be performed in exchange for sex, if both parties are willing. Which can be a win-win situation at times.
15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.Comment: This rule has changed. In an attempt to distance the FWB arrangement from my polyamorous arrangements with my boyfriends, I initially added a rule that FWBs need not be informed of new sex partners. This was stupid; sex is always risky thanks to pregnancy and STIs, and if 3 hooked up with a crack whore I would want to know about it. The friendship I have with 3 is very much centered on discussing our sex lives in great detail, though, so I never thought this would be an issue. However, it's a bad precedent to set, so the rule was changed to explicitly require knowledge of outside sex partners.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).Comment: This is a brand new rule! Fancy that. I added it because one of the ways I show my friends how I care about them is through buying gifts. I was noticing I was seeing things in the shops and thinking to myself "I should buy that for 3" the same way I do with my platonic friends and, of course, my boyfriends. I decided that in line with rule 0 (the friendship is inhibited by these rules) I would institute a blanket "no gifts" rule. This rule was more recently amended to allow sexual gifts to be bought for one another.
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.
19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. XX is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.
Comment: For 3's privacy and I guess my own, we're keeping things under wraps. 3's identity is known only to very few people, and still fewer know that we are actually still intent on continuing this whole sexing one another up thing. I guess this blog post kind of puts a wrench in that. If somehow the entire world was informed of 3's identity, it wouldn't exactly ruin our lives.
{rule 20 is stupid/silly/private and omitted}
21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.Comment: Sharing a bed with somebody is an intimate activity - which is why there's a rule against sharing beds unless sex occurs. However, since I now live in a new town 2 hours south of where 3 lives, there will probably come a time where 3 stays over for a weekend for sex amongst other things. In order to allow lots of sex to occur but the bed-sharing intimacy to remain in check, this rule has been implemented.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).
I, of course, don't believe that these rules will magically stop me and 3 from falling in love and running away to Fiji together to set up a hot dog stand. However, it seems to be working so far and I very much like that my brain is used to seeing 3 in a unique way.
After all, our emotions and feelings for others are just the result of our brains doing their thing with various hormones being secreted having various effects. The more we try to spur our brains off of things that might lead to romantic feelings (which, when you get down to it, are just oxytocin or whatever the love hormone du jour is), the less chance this whole sex thing will have of going off the rails. I hope :)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A list of rules for a FWB arrangement
These rules were made on the 31st of October, 2011.
In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.
As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about
In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.
If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.
----
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.
As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about
In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.
If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.
----
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friends with Benefits
NOTE: I wrote this post on 30th of October 2011. I've set this to automatically be posted in a few months, at which point there may be updates to this about how spectacularly it failed, or it could be going well still. Who knows, I might make more posts in this theme and schedule them to all be released one day after another. But at the time it was written, it seemed too personal to share with the internet, yet I do want it to be shared eventually, so here it is.
~~~~~~~~~
People say friends with benefits can't work.
I have no fucking clue whether this is true; all I know is I have a very sexy friend (3, as I shall call him) who has completely complementary sexual desires to me.
I went to his place for what was going to be an entirely platonic sleepover, or so I assumed. I was, of course, secretly hoping there'd be more to it - and there was a reasonable chance of that, since we'd made a conscious decision to make our friendship more physical and even gone so far as to set a date for the sex. There's a facebook event for it (really!).
So, after a sexual tension filled night of Skyping with a friend of ours (in his bedroom and in fact in his bed for most of the time), both of us secretly hoping something would happen, longing glances shared before self-consciously looking away.
We moved onto google hangout, and after a while it borked and he handed me his phone and said "see if you can get it working again" when that was the last thing on my mind. Then all of a sudden he kissed me and it was the sweet feeling of release.
Then, of course, my mobile rang; out of reflex I ceased the kissing and answered it but immediately regretted it. It was the friend we were Skyping with wanting to know what happened. I answered the phone with a very annoyed "do you know what you just interrupted?!".
Nerves and self-consciousness meant the kissing wasn't going to restart any time soon; we just lay cuddled together in bed, talking about who knows what.
It was interesting how different the vibe of the relationship was when compared with the one I have with my boyfriends. The sexcapades were done in a very platonic way that was yet rather lustful. The compliments we made to one another's bodies or sexual techniques were friendly and not in the least bit romantic.
Of course, the hormones make you feel things and have attitudes of affection that aren't normal for a friendship, but as long as you're aware of them and appreciate the feelings are a natural byproduct of endorphins and whatnot you can enjoy them "responsibly".
The new relationship energy has now made me fixated on 3, which is good as it's taking away from the pain of not being able to see N more than once a week while he works on his thesis. I'm mostly fixated on 3 from the sexual conquest angle, though - I was pursuing this guy for several months to get to this point, and it seems to be working out.
However, I'm going to end up way too exhausted from all of this. I'm going to look forward to the time when the NRE wears off and hopefully only the sexual things will remain. Because handling three regular sex partners - let alone three regular activity partners who I need to go on dates with etc - is going to be difficult.
Fortunately, me and 3 have agreed that we want to stabilise in a "once every month or so" sexual frequency which will be far easier to manage.
Now, we just need to begin by having sex once....
~~~~~~~~~
People say friends with benefits can't work.
I have no fucking clue whether this is true; all I know is I have a very sexy friend (3, as I shall call him) who has completely complementary sexual desires to me.
I went to his place for what was going to be an entirely platonic sleepover, or so I assumed. I was, of course, secretly hoping there'd be more to it - and there was a reasonable chance of that, since we'd made a conscious decision to make our friendship more physical and even gone so far as to set a date for the sex. There's a facebook event for it (really!).
So, after a sexual tension filled night of Skyping with a friend of ours (in his bedroom and in fact in his bed for most of the time), both of us secretly hoping something would happen, longing glances shared before self-consciously looking away.
We moved onto google hangout, and after a while it borked and he handed me his phone and said "see if you can get it working again" when that was the last thing on my mind. Then all of a sudden he kissed me and it was the sweet feeling of release.
Then, of course, my mobile rang; out of reflex I ceased the kissing and answered it but immediately regretted it. It was the friend we were Skyping with wanting to know what happened. I answered the phone with a very annoyed "do you know what you just interrupted?!".
Nerves and self-consciousness meant the kissing wasn't going to restart any time soon; we just lay cuddled together in bed, talking about who knows what.
It was interesting how different the vibe of the relationship was when compared with the one I have with my boyfriends. The sexcapades were done in a very platonic way that was yet rather lustful. The compliments we made to one another's bodies or sexual techniques were friendly and not in the least bit romantic.
Of course, the hormones make you feel things and have attitudes of affection that aren't normal for a friendship, but as long as you're aware of them and appreciate the feelings are a natural byproduct of endorphins and whatnot you can enjoy them "responsibly".
The new relationship energy has now made me fixated on 3, which is good as it's taking away from the pain of not being able to see N more than once a week while he works on his thesis. I'm mostly fixated on 3 from the sexual conquest angle, though - I was pursuing this guy for several months to get to this point, and it seems to be working out.
However, I'm going to end up way too exhausted from all of this. I'm going to look forward to the time when the NRE wears off and hopefully only the sexual things will remain. Because handling three regular sex partners - let alone three regular activity partners who I need to go on dates with etc - is going to be difficult.
Fortunately, me and 3 have agreed that we want to stabilise in a "once every month or so" sexual frequency which will be far easier to manage.
Now, we just need to begin by having sex once....
Sunday, October 9, 2011
On being a slut
Let me get something out of the way: The Rambling Extrovert is a blog for ranting, and here comes a rant.
To be honest, I think that sentence is a crock of shit. I don't think a single part of it is true. I kind of want to go through each individual word and say why it's bullshit, but there's not much I can say about the word "if". This is all going to be rather nit-picking, but that's the idea.
So I'll do a (mostly) piecewise attack on the sentence, and let me know if there's an assumption or point it makes that I haven't addressed or tackled or whatever.
So, in order:
"Have sex with"
What exactly does it mean to 'have sex'? The underlying assumption of the quote is the good old "penis in vagina" sort of biblically-sanctified husband-and-wife sort of thing, but that is not what sex truly is. Yes, we'll be splitting hairs about definitions but that's what I'm doing. To some extent, sex is everything you do with someone you are attracted to. From kissing, to holding hands, to threesomes, even to what you commonly think of as "sex" - it's all part of the same thing, the same wonderful part of life that involves you and another person exploring one another's body sexually. There are gay male couples who do not have anal sex but refer to their blowjob/jack-off/etc filled bedroom life as "sex". There's no reason to be attached to the penis/vagina interaction as something different from everything most people do to each other before that hole gets plugged.
"too many people"
I'm sorry, what? Too many people? What is too many people? If you asked a version of me from a past (catholic) life, I would have said "anyone other than my future husband". Other people might be able to give a number, but it varies depending on the person. And you know what? It's bullshit, too. Is there a limit on the number of people one can kiss in their lifetime? Hold hands with? Be friends with? Smile at? I guess I could imagine having sex with "too many" people as having sex with so many people that one's vagina ends up being rubbed raw, but even that one could accomplish by having sex with one or two people enough times in quick succession... so I'm not sure.
"no longer special"
What the hell does 'special' mean? Is the penis-in-vagina sex that people have special, really? I would be the first to say that it's a lot of fun, and yes, sure, it gets you more connected to your sex partner, but I wouldn't say it was any more dramatic than any other of the multitude of sex or romance acts out there.
And besides, why SHOULD sex be 'special'? Do you have people not wanting to play soccer too much because it would no longer be 'special'? If you like having sex, it will be special. Geez.
BESIDES,
Having sex with more than one person has, in my (addmittedly limited) experience, made it more special as you can appreciate the differences in the sexual ouvres of each person and come to understand what it is about sex with a particular partner that is really worth it. It makes you realise the difference between having sex with someone you've met recently and enjoy spending time with and want to get to know better compared with having sex with someone you've been with for a number of years and love very much and already know super well. The contrast between the delight in finding out what turns a new partner on and the comfort and security in knowing you know exactly how to drive an old partner crazy. That's why I'm loving polyamory. That's why I love being a slut. That is why the sentence I quoted is a crock of shit.
But hell, to each their own, right? I just wanted to throw my opinion out there =D.
"If you have sex with too many people, it's no longer special."Somebody said that to me today, and with the most noble intentions.
To be honest, I think that sentence is a crock of shit. I don't think a single part of it is true. I kind of want to go through each individual word and say why it's bullshit, but there's not much I can say about the word "if". This is all going to be rather nit-picking, but that's the idea.
So I'll do a (mostly) piecewise attack on the sentence, and let me know if there's an assumption or point it makes that I haven't addressed or tackled or whatever.
So, in order:
"Have sex with"
What exactly does it mean to 'have sex'? The underlying assumption of the quote is the good old "penis in vagina" sort of biblically-sanctified husband-and-wife sort of thing, but that is not what sex truly is. Yes, we'll be splitting hairs about definitions but that's what I'm doing. To some extent, sex is everything you do with someone you are attracted to. From kissing, to holding hands, to threesomes, even to what you commonly think of as "sex" - it's all part of the same thing, the same wonderful part of life that involves you and another person exploring one another's body sexually. There are gay male couples who do not have anal sex but refer to their blowjob/jack-off/etc filled bedroom life as "sex". There's no reason to be attached to the penis/vagina interaction as something different from everything most people do to each other before that hole gets plugged.
"too many people"
I'm sorry, what? Too many people? What is too many people? If you asked a version of me from a past (catholic) life, I would have said "anyone other than my future husband". Other people might be able to give a number, but it varies depending on the person. And you know what? It's bullshit, too. Is there a limit on the number of people one can kiss in their lifetime? Hold hands with? Be friends with? Smile at? I guess I could imagine having sex with "too many" people as having sex with so many people that one's vagina ends up being rubbed raw, but even that one could accomplish by having sex with one or two people enough times in quick succession... so I'm not sure.
"no longer special"
What the hell does 'special' mean? Is the penis-in-vagina sex that people have special, really? I would be the first to say that it's a lot of fun, and yes, sure, it gets you more connected to your sex partner, but I wouldn't say it was any more dramatic than any other of the multitude of sex or romance acts out there.
And besides, why SHOULD sex be 'special'? Do you have people not wanting to play soccer too much because it would no longer be 'special'? If you like having sex, it will be special. Geez.
BESIDES,
Having sex with more than one person has, in my (addmittedly limited) experience, made it more special as you can appreciate the differences in the sexual ouvres of each person and come to understand what it is about sex with a particular partner that is really worth it. It makes you realise the difference between having sex with someone you've met recently and enjoy spending time with and want to get to know better compared with having sex with someone you've been with for a number of years and love very much and already know super well. The contrast between the delight in finding out what turns a new partner on and the comfort and security in knowing you know exactly how to drive an old partner crazy. That's why I'm loving polyamory. That's why I love being a slut. That is why the sentence I quoted is a crock of shit.
But hell, to each their own, right? I just wanted to throw my opinion out there =D.
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