My secondary (how I loathe the term) boyfriend, Mr Oldman, has recently started being involved with a new girl. As a result, he's feeling this wonderful feeling that we in polyamory circles like to call "New Relationship Energy (NRE)". It's that feeling you get when you first get together with somebody, where you're checking your phone constantly for messages, thinking about them all the time and smiling to yourself, and unable to think about anything else and not wanting to.
(Aside: I, too, am at the beginning of a new relationship, so the two of us are both enjoying NRE for the first time since we began dating in September. This shit's addictive!)
Some background:
Mr Oldman and I are in a "medium distance" relationship. We live about two hours apart, and I see him most weekends. As a result, when I see him I get all excited and like to spend as much time as possible with him.
However, on a recent visit to see
Mr Oldman, he asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night with the new girl rather than me. I could relate to this because I was wanting to see my new squeeze as well, plus, I'd just recently heard
Mr Oldman talk about the wonderful night he'd spent with the new girl recently, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear about it, so who was I to refuse? And so they spent what I'm sure was another wonderful night together, and I stayed with my primary. (For the record, the following day my primary left me and my new beau alone for several hours, so I benefitted from a similar sort of arrangement).
The next day, the three of us (primary [Mr Wrong], secondary [Mr Oldman], myself) all went out for breakfast.
Mr Oldman felt bad for blowing me off, but I legitimately understood perfectly the reasoning behind it. When you can't stop thinking about someone, it's kind of hard to pass up an opportunity to spend time with them. The feeling of NRE only lasts a couple of months at most, so it's important to take advantage of it while it exists. I told him as much.
Now, here is the part that I found really interesting: he said to me, "Let's make a rule that if you're visiting me, I have to spend time with you and not other people."
I gave him a look and said, "That's stupid. Let's make a rule that says 'do whatever you want (as long as it's not unfair)'. Most of the time, you're going to want to be with me on my visits; and times you don't want to be with me will be times you'd probably ask for an exception to be made to the rule anyway (you know, times like last night). So this would have the same effect but without any room for guilt tripping."
He agreed.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
What makes a primary or a secondary?
In polyamory circles, people refer to "primary", "secondary", and even sometimes "tertiary" partners. Usually, a 'primary' is the person you've been dating the longest, though it's not uncommon for people to refer to having two primaries (usually someone who lives with both of them), and sometimes people who have recently broken up with a primary and are only pursuing more casual relationships with existing or new secondaries refer to to "being one's own primary".
So I thought it might be interesting to post my own take on the distictions - I am sure anyone who reads this will know that this tiny blog does not begin to speak for the poly community.
I think two people become primaries when they begin thinking about living their lives together (you know, the part of the relationship where you both know that if one of you proposes the other will say 'yes', but nobody's gotten down on one knee yet), which, according to hollywood and soap operas, more or less correlates with the 'moving in together' sort of stage.
I think that even monogamous people do this - they start out as secondaries, and then become primaries later on down the road. Just as you go from 'dating' to 'exclusive', a further step is taken where you become what I would call 'primaries'.
This meshes well with the way that poly people often seem to use "primary" and "secondary" - one's primary partner/s are those one lives with, has a family with, (possibly) raises children with, etc, whilst ones secondary/s tend to be in the "dating" spectrum somewhere.
I know there are many poly people who refer to having, say, a primary of 8 months and a secondary of 2 months; in my mind, depending on the seriousness of both relationships, they'd both fit more to what I feel a "secondary" might be to me.
I also feel like I should mention that I object to the implicit hierachy present in the terms "primary" and "secondary". Lots of people seem to use "SO" and "OSO" (significant other and other significant other), which I think is quite a bit nicer. SO and OSO seem to roughly correspond to the terms 'primary' and 'secondary', but in my opinion seem to be a little bit, well, fairer!
So I thought it might be interesting to post my own take on the distictions - I am sure anyone who reads this will know that this tiny blog does not begin to speak for the poly community.
I think two people become primaries when they begin thinking about living their lives together (you know, the part of the relationship where you both know that if one of you proposes the other will say 'yes', but nobody's gotten down on one knee yet), which, according to hollywood and soap operas, more or less correlates with the 'moving in together' sort of stage.
I think that even monogamous people do this - they start out as secondaries, and then become primaries later on down the road. Just as you go from 'dating' to 'exclusive', a further step is taken where you become what I would call 'primaries'.
This meshes well with the way that poly people often seem to use "primary" and "secondary" - one's primary partner/s are those one lives with, has a family with, (possibly) raises children with, etc, whilst ones secondary/s tend to be in the "dating" spectrum somewhere.
I know there are many poly people who refer to having, say, a primary of 8 months and a secondary of 2 months; in my mind, depending on the seriousness of both relationships, they'd both fit more to what I feel a "secondary" might be to me.
I also feel like I should mention that I object to the implicit hierachy present in the terms "primary" and "secondary". Lots of people seem to use "SO" and "OSO" (significant other and other significant other), which I think is quite a bit nicer. SO and OSO seem to roughly correspond to the terms 'primary' and 'secondary', but in my opinion seem to be a little bit, well, fairer!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
A List of Rules for an FWB relationship, revised
About two months ago I came up with some 'rules' for my relationship with 3, my FWB. We've since modified the rules somewhat and I feel the differences are worthy of discussion, particularly what lead us to decide to make these modifications.
I've decided not to publish the entire rule sheet in full in this document; instead, just the ones that have changed from the previous post have been published.
These rules are as of early Feburary 2011.
Comment: We have been very cautious about accidentally going on dates; we realised that the rule did not actually elaborate on what "counted" as a date, particularly because we would often eat together and hang out as friends prior to intimacy. We don't see any reason why this is a problem. This rule has been useful.
Comment: Ahaha! this rule has changed. The old rule said that there may be appropriate contexts for PDAs (Public Displays of Affections) between FWBs. This was my fault and my addition; I somehow thought that I might want to greet XY with kisses. I think the reason I had the attitude before was because it turns out 3 is a really great kisser and I wanted to potentially maximise my opportunities to experience this.
Comment: You'd be surprised at how often this came up. Admittedly, it kind of sucks not to be able to do favours for one another at the drop of a hat; but the benefit of this rule is that it allows favours to be performed in exchange for sex, if both parties are willing. Which can be a win-win situation at times.
Comment: For 3's privacy and I guess my own, we're keeping things under wraps. 3's identity is known only to very few people, and still fewer know that we are actually still intent on continuing this whole sexing one another up thing. I guess this blog post kind of puts a wrench in that. If somehow the entire world was informed of 3's identity, it wouldn't exactly ruin our lives.
I, of course, don't believe that these rules will magically stop me and 3 from falling in love and running away to Fiji together to set up a hot dog stand. However, it seems to be working so far and I very much like that my brain is used to seeing 3 in a unique way.
After all, our emotions and feelings for others are just the result of our brains doing their thing with various hormones being secreted having various effects. The more we try to spur our brains off of things that might lead to romantic feelings (which, when you get down to it, are just oxytocin or whatever the love hormone du jour is), the less chance this whole sex thing will have of going off the rails. I hope :)
I've decided not to publish the entire rule sheet in full in this document; instead, just the ones that have changed from the previous post have been published.
These rules are as of early Feburary 2011.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.
Comment: We have been very cautious about accidentally going on dates; we realised that the rule did not actually elaborate on what "counted" as a date, particularly because we would often eat together and hang out as friends prior to intimacy. We don't see any reason why this is a problem. This rule has been useful.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.
Comment: Ahaha! this rule has changed. The old rule said that there may be appropriate contexts for PDAs (Public Displays of Affections) between FWBs. This was my fault and my addition; I somehow thought that I might want to greet XY with kisses. I think the reason I had the attitude before was because it turns out 3 is a really great kisser and I wanted to potentially maximise my opportunities to experience this.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
Comment: You'd be surprised at how often this came up. Admittedly, it kind of sucks not to be able to do favours for one another at the drop of a hat; but the benefit of this rule is that it allows favours to be performed in exchange for sex, if both parties are willing. Which can be a win-win situation at times.
15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.Comment: This rule has changed. In an attempt to distance the FWB arrangement from my polyamorous arrangements with my boyfriends, I initially added a rule that FWBs need not be informed of new sex partners. This was stupid; sex is always risky thanks to pregnancy and STIs, and if 3 hooked up with a crack whore I would want to know about it. The friendship I have with 3 is very much centered on discussing our sex lives in great detail, though, so I never thought this would be an issue. However, it's a bad precedent to set, so the rule was changed to explicitly require knowledge of outside sex partners.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).Comment: This is a brand new rule! Fancy that. I added it because one of the ways I show my friends how I care about them is through buying gifts. I was noticing I was seeing things in the shops and thinking to myself "I should buy that for 3" the same way I do with my platonic friends and, of course, my boyfriends. I decided that in line with rule 0 (the friendship is inhibited by these rules) I would institute a blanket "no gifts" rule. This rule was more recently amended to allow sexual gifts to be bought for one another.
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.
19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. XX is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.
Comment: For 3's privacy and I guess my own, we're keeping things under wraps. 3's identity is known only to very few people, and still fewer know that we are actually still intent on continuing this whole sexing one another up thing. I guess this blog post kind of puts a wrench in that. If somehow the entire world was informed of 3's identity, it wouldn't exactly ruin our lives.
{rule 20 is stupid/silly/private and omitted}
21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.Comment: Sharing a bed with somebody is an intimate activity - which is why there's a rule against sharing beds unless sex occurs. However, since I now live in a new town 2 hours south of where 3 lives, there will probably come a time where 3 stays over for a weekend for sex amongst other things. In order to allow lots of sex to occur but the bed-sharing intimacy to remain in check, this rule has been implemented.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).
I, of course, don't believe that these rules will magically stop me and 3 from falling in love and running away to Fiji together to set up a hot dog stand. However, it seems to be working so far and I very much like that my brain is used to seeing 3 in a unique way.
After all, our emotions and feelings for others are just the result of our brains doing their thing with various hormones being secreted having various effects. The more we try to spur our brains off of things that might lead to romantic feelings (which, when you get down to it, are just oxytocin or whatever the love hormone du jour is), the less chance this whole sex thing will have of going off the rails. I hope :)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A list of rules for a FWB arrangement
These rules were made on the 31st of October, 2011.
In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.
As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about
In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.
If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.
----
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.
As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about
In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.
If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.
----
0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.
1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.
3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.
4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.
5. Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.
6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.
7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.
8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)
9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.
10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.
11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.
12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.
13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.
14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.
15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.
17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.
N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friends with Benefits
NOTE: I wrote this post on 30th of October 2011. I've set this to automatically be posted in a few months, at which point there may be updates to this about how spectacularly it failed, or it could be going well still. Who knows, I might make more posts in this theme and schedule them to all be released one day after another. But at the time it was written, it seemed too personal to share with the internet, yet I do want it to be shared eventually, so here it is.
~~~~~~~~~
People say friends with benefits can't work.
I have no fucking clue whether this is true; all I know is I have a very sexy friend (3, as I shall call him) who has completely complementary sexual desires to me.
I went to his place for what was going to be an entirely platonic sleepover, or so I assumed. I was, of course, secretly hoping there'd be more to it - and there was a reasonable chance of that, since we'd made a conscious decision to make our friendship more physical and even gone so far as to set a date for the sex. There's a facebook event for it (really!).
So, after a sexual tension filled night of Skyping with a friend of ours (in his bedroom and in fact in his bed for most of the time), both of us secretly hoping something would happen, longing glances shared before self-consciously looking away.
We moved onto google hangout, and after a while it borked and he handed me his phone and said "see if you can get it working again" when that was the last thing on my mind. Then all of a sudden he kissed me and it was the sweet feeling of release.
Then, of course, my mobile rang; out of reflex I ceased the kissing and answered it but immediately regretted it. It was the friend we were Skyping with wanting to know what happened. I answered the phone with a very annoyed "do you know what you just interrupted?!".
Nerves and self-consciousness meant the kissing wasn't going to restart any time soon; we just lay cuddled together in bed, talking about who knows what.
It was interesting how different the vibe of the relationship was when compared with the one I have with my boyfriends. The sexcapades were done in a very platonic way that was yet rather lustful. The compliments we made to one another's bodies or sexual techniques were friendly and not in the least bit romantic.
Of course, the hormones make you feel things and have attitudes of affection that aren't normal for a friendship, but as long as you're aware of them and appreciate the feelings are a natural byproduct of endorphins and whatnot you can enjoy them "responsibly".
The new relationship energy has now made me fixated on 3, which is good as it's taking away from the pain of not being able to see N more than once a week while he works on his thesis. I'm mostly fixated on 3 from the sexual conquest angle, though - I was pursuing this guy for several months to get to this point, and it seems to be working out.
However, I'm going to end up way too exhausted from all of this. I'm going to look forward to the time when the NRE wears off and hopefully only the sexual things will remain. Because handling three regular sex partners - let alone three regular activity partners who I need to go on dates with etc - is going to be difficult.
Fortunately, me and 3 have agreed that we want to stabilise in a "once every month or so" sexual frequency which will be far easier to manage.
Now, we just need to begin by having sex once....
~~~~~~~~~
People say friends with benefits can't work.
I have no fucking clue whether this is true; all I know is I have a very sexy friend (3, as I shall call him) who has completely complementary sexual desires to me.
I went to his place for what was going to be an entirely platonic sleepover, or so I assumed. I was, of course, secretly hoping there'd be more to it - and there was a reasonable chance of that, since we'd made a conscious decision to make our friendship more physical and even gone so far as to set a date for the sex. There's a facebook event for it (really!).
So, after a sexual tension filled night of Skyping with a friend of ours (in his bedroom and in fact in his bed for most of the time), both of us secretly hoping something would happen, longing glances shared before self-consciously looking away.
We moved onto google hangout, and after a while it borked and he handed me his phone and said "see if you can get it working again" when that was the last thing on my mind. Then all of a sudden he kissed me and it was the sweet feeling of release.
Then, of course, my mobile rang; out of reflex I ceased the kissing and answered it but immediately regretted it. It was the friend we were Skyping with wanting to know what happened. I answered the phone with a very annoyed "do you know what you just interrupted?!".
Nerves and self-consciousness meant the kissing wasn't going to restart any time soon; we just lay cuddled together in bed, talking about who knows what.
It was interesting how different the vibe of the relationship was when compared with the one I have with my boyfriends. The sexcapades were done in a very platonic way that was yet rather lustful. The compliments we made to one another's bodies or sexual techniques were friendly and not in the least bit romantic.
Of course, the hormones make you feel things and have attitudes of affection that aren't normal for a friendship, but as long as you're aware of them and appreciate the feelings are a natural byproduct of endorphins and whatnot you can enjoy them "responsibly".
The new relationship energy has now made me fixated on 3, which is good as it's taking away from the pain of not being able to see N more than once a week while he works on his thesis. I'm mostly fixated on 3 from the sexual conquest angle, though - I was pursuing this guy for several months to get to this point, and it seems to be working out.
However, I'm going to end up way too exhausted from all of this. I'm going to look forward to the time when the NRE wears off and hopefully only the sexual things will remain. Because handling three regular sex partners - let alone three regular activity partners who I need to go on dates with etc - is going to be difficult.
Fortunately, me and 3 have agreed that we want to stabilise in a "once every month or so" sexual frequency which will be far easier to manage.
Now, we just need to begin by having sex once....
Monday, November 14, 2011
Nobody's Business, Really?
I came out as poly to my Mum yesterday.
It went much better than I'm sure it goes for many of us, but worse than it did coming out to Mr Wrong's parents.
However, I've seen a theme in these "coming out" events that has bothered me a lot.
In both cases, we were told that this whole polyamory thing is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about your private lives".
I think this is complete bullshit. I could understand if it was a friend with benefits sort of arrangement, or if me and Mr Wrong were swingers - but we're not. Just because something makes someone uncomfortable, doesn't mean that they should be protected from ever encountering it.
If I was a monogamous lesbian and my mother told me that my sexuality is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about my private life", I think that notion would offend a lot of people - doubly so if she said she wasn't interested in meeting my girlfriend, or didn't think my Dad should know she existed, or even that I was a lesbian at all!
I mean, if I were single and began dating Mr Oldman, my parents could both be reasonably expected to meet him, to hear about the progress of our relationship (you know, "I went on a date with that new boy of mine today! He took me to the park and we fed the ducks!", nothing risque), to comfort me in the event of a heartbreak, and so on. The hardest thing about being poly was when I saw Mum the next morning after a particularly enjoyable date with Mr Oldman, and she asked me how I was going, and I wanted to tell her that I was seeing this new guy and he was very sweet and making me happy and all the rest of it, but instead I had to sheepishly reply "good".
I understand that in modern society, people aren't as open minded as we'd like and that, yes, there are many lesbians who have to keep it a secret from their parents, and I do agree that telling my Dad would be a bad idea. But that doesn't mean it's okay that we have to keep these parts of our lives secret.
In more personal news, my Mum specifically said that if my new boyfriend Mr Oldman were to be at my house for a party along with a bunch of other friends, it would be 'innapropriate' for me to hold his hand. That just pisses me off. She also called him a "friend with benefits", which amused me to no end given I already have one of those in Number 3 and it's a very different dynamic than the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I didn't tell her of Number 3's existence, though, lest she think I've further sunk into the depths of depravity.
She also thinks that polyamory amounts to the first step in me and Mr Wrongs's inevitable breakup. But oh well, I guess I'm going to prove her wrong.
And to her credit, she said it would be OK to come out to Dad after I was in a more long-term secondary relationship - she put one year as her litmus test, and hey, I fully expect to have held down a secondary boy or girlfriend for that period of time at some point in the next five years.
It went much better than I'm sure it goes for many of us, but worse than it did coming out to Mr Wrong's parents.
However, I've seen a theme in these "coming out" events that has bothered me a lot.
In both cases, we were told that this whole polyamory thing is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about your private lives".
I think this is complete bullshit. I could understand if it was a friend with benefits sort of arrangement, or if me and Mr Wrong were swingers - but we're not. Just because something makes someone uncomfortable, doesn't mean that they should be protected from ever encountering it.
If I was a monogamous lesbian and my mother told me that my sexuality is a "private area" and "nobody's business" and "people don't need to know about my private life", I think that notion would offend a lot of people - doubly so if she said she wasn't interested in meeting my girlfriend, or didn't think my Dad should know she existed, or even that I was a lesbian at all!
I mean, if I were single and began dating Mr Oldman, my parents could both be reasonably expected to meet him, to hear about the progress of our relationship (you know, "I went on a date with that new boy of mine today! He took me to the park and we fed the ducks!", nothing risque), to comfort me in the event of a heartbreak, and so on. The hardest thing about being poly was when I saw Mum the next morning after a particularly enjoyable date with Mr Oldman, and she asked me how I was going, and I wanted to tell her that I was seeing this new guy and he was very sweet and making me happy and all the rest of it, but instead I had to sheepishly reply "good".
I understand that in modern society, people aren't as open minded as we'd like and that, yes, there are many lesbians who have to keep it a secret from their parents, and I do agree that telling my Dad would be a bad idea. But that doesn't mean it's okay that we have to keep these parts of our lives secret.
In more personal news, my Mum specifically said that if my new boyfriend Mr Oldman were to be at my house for a party along with a bunch of other friends, it would be 'innapropriate' for me to hold his hand. That just pisses me off. She also called him a "friend with benefits", which amused me to no end given I already have one of those in Number 3 and it's a very different dynamic than the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I didn't tell her of Number 3's existence, though, lest she think I've further sunk into the depths of depravity.
She also thinks that polyamory amounts to the first step in me and Mr Wrongs's inevitable breakup. But oh well, I guess I'm going to prove her wrong.
And to her credit, she said it would be OK to come out to Dad after I was in a more long-term secondary relationship - she put one year as her litmus test, and hey, I fully expect to have held down a secondary boy or girlfriend for that period of time at some point in the next five years.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The Rosemount Hotel
Food Prices
How the hell does The Rosemount make any money charging what it does for its food? I'm a lady of discriminating tastes and spending less than $20 for a meal with a pint of coke makes me feel dirty.
The most expensive things on the menu were sharing platters, but I don't want to share with anybody.
I ended up ordering the primavera pesto quiche ($15, can you believe it!), with "potato, onion, celery, carrot and olive quiche drizzled with pesto served with side salad & fresh chips".
Food Quality
Upon receiving this meal, I realised with horror that chips count as a vegetable, further exacerbating the vegetable-heavy problem this meal had.
I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised to find that this food, despite being cheap, excelled at being average. The quiche reminded me of those open top pies you get at petrol stations or - dare I say it - at the university cafes. It was in the same "Mrs Macs" style pie crust, filled with rather bland vegetables. I honestly wouldn't have thought anything of it if I saw something of this calibre in one of those locations for $4.50. I was really glad that I was served something so ordinary.
 |
| The meal was about 40% chips, 40% salad and 20% quiche. |
I was pleased to find that the chips were not only over-salted but a little bit on the cold side when I got them. It's hard to screw up chips at a pub but The Rosemount did a reasonable job so I really do commend them on that.
However, the worst part of the evening was the side salad - it was a basic sort of lettucey affair (full of vegetables, ugh!) and it was actually very tasty. The dressing in particular was scrumptious. However, it's very disappointing that the worst thing I can say is about the side salad which was on all the plates, since it seems like everyone might have had to deal with eating something delicious.
To be honest, I didn't even BOTHER counting the vegetables - in the menu it lists 5 vegetables inside the quiche. Needless to say, there were too many of them.
Overall Rating
- 1 point per menu item over $25 (max 6) - 0. I couldn't find a single item over $25, except for sharing platters meant for several people - even the surf and turf analog clocked in at $23. Desipicable.
- -1 point per vegetable on my plate (max +3, min 0) - 0 again - I ate a vegetarian meal, so it was covered in vegetables, including chips.
- Rating of how much I hated the meal (max 3) - 2 - At least this one had some awful food to make up for the lack of expensive options and the fact that my plate didn't have a scerrick of meat on it. Doesn't get the full 3/3 because the side salad had delicious dressing.
This evening was a huge let-down - the only saving grace was that the quiche was something that I would expect to get from a petrol station for $4.50.
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